


He's A God, He's A Man

by thedeviltohisangel



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: F/M, Nurses, Soldiers, World War I
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2020-10-13 16:04:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20585210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeviltohisangel/pseuds/thedeviltohisangel
Summary: They thought they lost each other in the war.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> mentions of wishing for death, problematic relationship with alcohol

He dared to let his thumb brush against the worn parchment of the monochromatic photograph. In his darkest moments he let himself think it was her cheek instead. Vividly imagined the slight flush from his touch. From the physical toll her work always took on her. The racing of her heart that pulled them closer and pushed them farther apart. 

It had been hell for everyone except them. They had found a way to make their own heaven by making sure nothing could get between them. No sinister dark tendril could twist in the spaces separating their lips. She did her best to heal him with her words and her touches. He did his best to keep the smile on her face even when it felt impossible to keep one spread across his own cheeks.

Tommy remembers the heat of her cheek in a haze but remembers the heat of the fire through a stark lens. There is no hiding from a heat like that. The kind that incinerates everything it comes in contact with. The kind of fire that razes the earth back to the beginning. It makes no qualms about deciphering who is innocent and who is not. Who truly deserves to be cleansed. Tommy wishes it was him. What he would have given to have been back in that cramped recovery room that afternoon. What he would have given to feel the heat of her cheek one last time.

His time in the trenches was bookended by his loss of love. Of peace and reconciliation being ripped from his hands. From the fire reminding him he had no control over its choices. He figured that if it wished to have his heart so bad then he would give it his soul too. Maybe that way it would be happy. Maybe that way it would leave him alone. Leave him be.

Lydia Margaret Wilson had dropped into his life and been plucked from it just as quickly. He who gives can also take. Tommy made sure those who crossed his path knew the lesson as well as he did. As painfully as he did. They all knew about Greta, the girl who’s bedside he had sat by for three months before she succumbed to her illness and he did the call of war. The call of forgetting her. The call of an eternal turmoil followed by the most eternal of peace. 

It was when a charge went off by accident that he met Lydia. His fellow soldiers pulled him from the clay and if he had been able to speak louder than the ringing in his ears, he would have told them to leave him be. That this was what he had came for. Now Tommy knew that he had been mistaken. He hadn’t gone to get over Greta, to meet her again in some faraway place. He had come for Lydia. To love as pure as one could. To know what it felt like to be happy. To be so close to having everything. He had come to ignite the anger within him that losing her had. That shot to the heart the field hospital going up in flames had burrowed deep inside him. It was this fire that sent him back to Birmingham with the will to be a King. To hold his head high and strong and sure under the heaviest of crowns.

It was a numbing pain. He thinks the unconsolable Sergeant was still on that field of charred linens and bandages in France searching for his American nurse. For the woman who wore a thin silver band around her neck. For the woman who had asked what was in Birmingham. Who had been content that Tommy was there. That he was all she needed. That everyone needed Tommy in a way that was suffocating and weighed heavily on him. She had needed him to be her light. To keep her laughing and smiling among the dirt.

He only ever needed her. He still did. But he had to settle for the memory of her. The picture that sat creased in the top drawer of his desk. Thomas Shelby swore he’d neve feel as helpless as he did watching that building burn ever again.

“I’ll do better by you,” he whispered to the image of her. 

“Mr. Shelby, Danny’s here to see you.” With a deep sigh, Tommy tucked his guiding light back into the drawer.

\----

Lydia watched with an utterly bored expression as the newest Investigator made himself look like a bumbling fool at the front of the conference room. She knew the case like the back of her hand. Had done much of the leg work to piece together the paper trail of deposits and withdrawals and purchases that led to their prime suspect. And now she was being subjected to watching the man ruin all her hard work. 

She had been a secretary for the New York City police since she had returned from the war. No hospital had wanted to hire her. They said she didn’t have the necessary schooling and training to be a nurse. 

“I think the men whose lives I saved in the Somme would disagree with you,” she had bit back at the doctor who glared down his nose at her. Lydia tried to tell herself it was a blessing in disguise. That her years of amputating arms and fishing for bullets and needing whiskey to fall asleep could be behind her. The rejection could be a fresh start.

She wonders what kind of work she would have been able to find in Birmingham. She was going to be on that train with Tommy at the end of the war. But she supposes that neither of them were able to make it. She had watched in horror as the field hospital went up in flames. Had felt her heart shatter into a million pieces knowing Tommy Shelby was in there waiting for her. Of all the things he had survived, he went while recovering on the stiff hospital bed. She should have been there. Wrapped up around him and making plans for the future. Talking about all the members of his family she had to meet. How he was sure they would all love her.

One thing was for certain, her life would Tommy would not have resulted in her wanting to stab her eyes out at this table. She was supposed to be taking notes for the Commissioner but was too caught up in wanting to correct the man at the front of the room. Tommy had promised her that things were never dull with the Shelby family. That he would protect her from all the evils of men. That this war would be the last they ever faced. That her life would know nothing but peace and fulfillment. Foolishly, she had believed him.

“Miss Wilson?”

“Yes, sir?” Lydia quickly shoved the picture of her and Tommy back into the top drawer of her desk.

“There is a man from overseas here to see you.”

“Is he here to write a book?” There had been many men that approached Lydia saying they were writing a book about the experience of women in the war. She refused to even give them the time of day. A woman’s experience should be written by one. 

“Just simply said he had a proposal for you.” She considered taking her gun out to the front with her in case his proposal was one of marriage.

His back was to her, shrouded in a long black coat with a top hat on his head. “You come with quite the reputation, Miss Wilson.” She placed his accent as Northern Ireland, her confusion growing as to why he would come all this way just to meet her.

“And what is it that you have heard Mr…?”

“Inspector Campbell. Here at the behest of Mr. Churchill.” Lydia wanted to laugh. How absurd. Did he expect her to believe a word that had come out of his mouth. “I’d like to speak to you about a case I think you could help me with.”

“I’m no cop, Mr. Campbell, let alone one with jurisdiction wherever it is Mr. Churchill is looking to send you next.”

“Why don’t we take a seat? I’m sure I can ease your worries.”

“You can sit, I’ll stand.” Alarms were blaring in her mind. She was on guard.    
The flicker of a grimace on his face let her know that he was not used to anyone speaking against him. Particularly the voice of a woman.

“You served in France?”

“A nurse, yes.”

“I think you may have come across a suspect of mine during that time.” He slid a folder across the table to her. With a furrowed brow, Lydia opened it and scanned the front paper mindlessly before her breath caught in her throat at the picture next to it. Thomas fucking Shelby.

“Tomm-Thomas Shelby...Thomas Shelby died in a field hospital. I watched it catch fire.” She can’t remember the last time she had said his name out loud. She felt the heat of the fire on her face. Her fingers twitching for a glass of something strong to put it out. 

“Thomas Shelby is very much alive, Miss Wilson. And he’s very much caught the attention of powerful men. Mr. Shelby and his gang of rodents have stolen a shipment of guns. It is hard to predict the actions of scum like him and we don’t wish for communists or rebels to get these guns. Do you understand?” She didn’t. He wasn’t a rodent. He wasn’t scum. She was angry this man were refer to him as such. She was angry that Tommy was alive this entire time and she hadn’t known. That he hadn’t tried to find her.

“And what are you asking of me, Inspector Campbell?” She looked at her hand as she noticed he was watching it intently. Her fingers had been lightly tracing over the profile of the man she had once loved. Still loved. She snapped the folder closed and threw it back at him.

“I want you to help me negotiate with him.” It was somewhat true. If the rumors were true, Lydia was the best leverage he could get.

“I’ve thought Thomas Shelby was dead longer than I knew him. I have no ability to negotiate with him.”

“I have a feeling, Miss Wilson, that just seeing you will strike the right chord. Now, I will see you at the docks tomorrow. I’ve left the necessary travelling papers with the front desk.” He made a motion of bending as if to kiss her hand which she recoiled from instantly.

“Tomorrow.” She forced a close lipped smile in his direction and clutched her hand against her chest protectively. As Lydia watched the Inspector she wondered how long it would take him to realize the photo from his file was missing.

\----

Tommy breathed in the fumes of the opium with eyes closed in anticipation. It was the only way for him to sleep. And even then it was fitful and restless. If they weren’t nightmares about the tunnels then they were dreams of Lydia. He’s not sure which hurt more. Both were fates we wish he had succumb to. One the sweet release of death and the other the stabilizing power of love. This particular night it was her that flitted behind his eyelids.

_ “You are being utterly ridiculous!” she giggled against his chest. A chorus of soldiers shushed back.  _

_ “Oi! Go with your bird somewhere else, Shelby!” _

_ “We’ll come over to your cot, Evans!” _

_ “Fuck off!” _

_ “You know,” Lydia began at a whisper and traced her fingertip down the center of Tommy’s chest, “these men are my patients. I can’t have you harassing them throughout their recovery.” _

_ “And what about my recovery, hm? What if the singing and kisses of a beautiful American nurse is the only way for me to recover?” There was her splendid giggle again that he absolutely could not get enough of. _

_ “Thank you for stipulating that they had to be American because I swear Fiona has been eyeing you-” He pressed the ring that hung around her neck to her lips in order to stop the path she was going down. _

_ “I’m a taken man.” _

_ “Not in the eyes of God.” In Tommy’s mind, the ring around his neck was just a formality. Lydia’s desire to wear a white dress in a church was just a formality. He was hers and she was his as sure as he was the sky was blue and his blood ran red. _

_ “We’ll fix that the minute you step off the train with me in Birmingham.” She propped herself up onto her elbow so she could look at him properly. They were both squeezing onto a tiny recovery bed at the field hospital, soldiers packed in like sardines all around them. _

_ “Can’t you just stay here, with me, until it’s time to get on that train.” Lydia gently brushed his hair from his forehead. His eyes caught her off guard every time she looked at them. As if she wasn’t capable of remembering the full scope of their beauty. “As happy as I am that you are healing…” She was scared that once Tommy got better, the bubble they had built would burst. She can’t imagine the pain of losing him. Of losing what they had.  _

_ “Because I am going to go and finish what me and my brothers started. We are going to win this war. So we never have to fight in one again. So I can be with you in Birmingham for the rest of my life. So I can be the man you are deserving of.” _

Lydia jumped awake with a heavy breath. Her skin was slick with the remnants of her whiskey induced dream. The clothes she had never changed out of last night were stuck to her skin as she shakily reached for the bottle on her nightstand, tipping it vertical to get the last drop.

“Fuck you, Tommy Shelby.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If she had known who would be there when she opened the window, she might not have opened it.

Lydia thought the quality of air in New York was rough but Birmingham was giving that thought a run for its money. She held a handkerchief over mouth and nose as she stood in front of the two family home that would be half hers for however long this operation took.

It was already decorated upon her arrival but there were things she needed to change in order to feel at home. She would need at least one place in this city where she could feel safe.

\----

Sitting at his desk in the betting room, Tommy was haunted his most recent encounter with Danny. The power the war still had over all of them was startling. Tommy did his best to cope with it but shutting out all of his emotions. It was the only way for him to possibly survive. As far as he was concerned, the Tommy before and during the war no longer existed nor had he ever. That Tommy had lost everything. Had been beaten down to the point of submission. He was stronger now because of it. People parted on the street when he walked down it because he had had the strength and the will to push aside who he was to be who he needed to be.

Arthur had brought the mention of an Inspector arriving in Birmingham to the family meeting just a couple hours prior. Tommy had heard the mumblings and whispering of the streets. He was known for being ruthless. The way he had been cleaning up Belfast without mercy had travelled faster than the train he had arrived in on.

He knew Pol was starting to get agitated by the new Tommy. The cold man who spared her fleeting glances with barely any humanity behind them. She had been the only one to ask him about the silver ring around his neck. Tommy thinks she was the only one with the guts to. He had simply told her it tied him to the past. That everything that made him weak was trapped inside the metal, never to escape. 

The ring in question was tucked under his bed with his pipe and stash of opium. The drugs were to help him sleep and the ring and a letter from Lydia for when he couldn’t. The whole box was a secret to everyone in his life. His American nurse was near a secret as well. Occasionally, one of his siblings or his aunt would whisper about the girl Tommy loved in France. Whisper about the man he might’ve been if she had been on the train with him that day. Tommy thought about that too. The dreams had been more vivid when he had first come back but now they were nostalgic. He couldn’t remember the pain in his side that had brought him into her care in the first place. Only remembered being healed and happy. Then Birmingham had torn open all his wounds. The Peaky Blinders became his source of healing. They numbed him. The lack of regard for life and death, lack of caring what the man standing across from him meant to someone else. Only caring how he would help him meet his ends.

Tommy knows that men like him don’t get to live long. Don’t get to ever be truly happy.

Then there were the guns. He had a sneaking that it wasn’t communists the Inspector was looking for but him. Polly had told him what to do. It was the sensible, safe thing to do. Which is exactly why he wasn’t going to do it. Expansion was always playing at the edge of his mind. Now was as good a time as ever.

\----

Lydia held her white gloved hands in front of her as she eyed the pub from across the street. The more she had sat couped up in her new apartment, the more she had thought about getting a job. She had worked and had her own income for as long as her parents would let her. There was something about earning that made her proud. Straightened out her back and squared her shoulders. It was a man’s world both before and after the war. She had heard from others that during the war had been different. Women had rolled up their sleeves and gotten their hands dirty and made sure the world kept spinning while men fought leagues away. Lydia had heard the call to join the cause in France. She didn’t regret it for a second. She regretted coming back more than anything. The value she held overseas had been paramount. She had flitted from wounded man to healing man with ease and made them all feel comfort as they transitioned on and off the battlefield and from life to death. Fuck every doctor in New York City that had told her she didn’t have the proper education to do the job. That she was just a volunteer. An imposter. One day, she would prove all of them wrong.

“Hello, sir, how are you this afternoon?” She slid off her gloves, holding them both in one hand so she could extend her other to the man who was sweeping broken glass on the floor.

“Who are you?” Lydia retracted her hand quickly.

“Someone in need of a job.” 

“Right. Be on your way. I haven’t the patience for swindling today.”

“I’m afraid we misunderstand each other. I read in the paper this morning that you were looking for a barmaid. And I happen to be looking for a source of income-”

“With silk gloves?” She batted her eyelashes at him. “Look, miss, the type of client I host here, not the type you wish to be associating with. They’d eat you alive.”

“I was a nurse over in France. I know how to hold my own against some soldiers.” He looked at her like she really had no idea the kind of clientele that frequented The Garrison. Maybe they were soldiers once. But now they were Peaky Blinders. No way of knowing how to defend yourself against the likes of them. “How about we do a probationary run? If I am not able to do it, then we can go our separate ways with no hard feelings. Just give me a chance. Please.” Lydia had learned young that men who bend to her will if she made herself seem smaller. If she played into the gender subservience they expected from her.

“Right, yeah, temporary. Tomorrow afternoon.”

Lydia walked in for her first shift at The Garrison with a crowd already filling the chairs and the air with their laughter and loud voices. Harry was expertly pouring multiple drinks at once behind the bar and keeping the alcohol flowing so the coins could continue to drop onto the bar top.

“Here, let me.” Lydia took the glass out of his hands and continued to fill it from the tap without breaking a sweat.

“Nice little trick there, love.” She flicked her eyes up quickly to meet the ones of the man at the bar. He winked back at her.

“What’s the use of a pint if it isn’t the perfect pour?” she questioned. As someone who frequently sought the comfort of a cold drink, she had learned exactly how it soothed pain easiest. It was a wonder she hadn’t found a job in a pub sooner. If the world didn’t trust her nursing expertise, maybe they would trust her expertise in drinking.

“Now I’ll say-” The man was interrupted by the gentle knock on the window next to the tap. Lydia had assumed it was a private room for VIP clients of the pub but she was curious as to who exactly would be back there. The man she had been talking to at the bar was now deathly silent. “Best attend to that request, miss.” Furrowing her brow, Lydia pulled open the frosted glass.

It was better she hadn’t been prepared for who would be on the other side. She might not have ever opened the window and seen. It was as if every emotion she had experienced for her entire life came together to crash into her. She felt confusion at seeing the new lines that were etched across his face. Anger that he hadn’t looked for her, anger that she had been forced to spend this much time away from him. Curiosity as to what her Thomas had been up to that had him hiding in back rooms of a pub. But the prevailing feeling pumping through her veins was one of longing. Longing to be back in that cramped bed in France where everything seemed so much simpler. Perhaps even back to when she thought Tommy was dead. When she didn’t know how much she had been missing.

“Tommy,” she breathed out. He showed nothing at the sight of her. For years he had been trying to convince himself that Lydia was never real to begin with. That she was just a trick his shell shock had been playing on him. A coping mechanism to deal with what he had seen. What he still saw. But the woman looking at him through the window looked an awful lot like he had dreamed. Her cheekbones were a bit more prominent and her hair not as curly but it was Lydia. His Lydia.

“You’re dead. You’re not real.” He shut the glass doors to the bar. He must be sleeping. He must have taken too much opium. And there was no way he was about to have trouble breathing with his bloodied brother waiting on Watery Lane.

Lydia pressed her hand against the glass where Tommy had just been. Maybe she had dreamt it. Maybe this whole experience had been one long, realistic dream. Perhaps she had allowed herself to be tricked into believing Tommy Shelby still walked this earth.

“Lydia? Whatever order comes through that window is on the house, got it?” She nodded at Harry, thinking she might vomit if she opened her mouth to respond to him. The sound of a glass breaking across the pub jolted her out of her state of shock. Without a word she grabbed a bucket and a broom to go and clean up the mess before one of the men hurt themselves and made a bigger mess.  _ You’re dead. You’re not real. _ His words haunted her. Tommy probably thought she had died after the fire when she made no contact and never found him in Birmingham after all this time. How did she explain to him that she had gone this whole time thinking he was dead?

With a huff, she got down onto her knees to pick up the tinier pieces of glass that were evading the broom. Just as soon as she had dumped the little pile into the bucket, a hand roughly grabbed her upper arm and pulled her up to her feet.

“You, of all people, should never be kneeling on a dirty pub floor.” After the first time she had laid eyes on Thomas Shelby, she had described his eyes as hauntingly beautiful to the other nurses. That hadn’t changed.

“It’s really me, Tommy. And it’s really you.”

“You still a nurse?” The way he shut down the conversation she was trying to initiate slapped her across the face.

“Technically-”

“Don’t have the time. You’re coming with me.” Like a rag doll he dragged her through the streets before stopping in front of his home on Watery Lane. Lydia had heard plenty of stories of this place during the war. How the whole family Shelby lived under one roof. The shenanigans that ensued because of it. 

Tommy had told her about each of his family members in depth. How she would love Pol, their intellects above his own. That Ada was dying for another girl her age to hang around with. That Finn would be following Tommy around like a shadow but how he was the sweetest boy and Lydia could help teach him how to read and write. Arthur and John would no doubt protect her like their own sister. 

But now, standing in front of the house she was going to come home to after the war and on Tommy’s arm, felt odd. She had dreamed about this house and the people inside it for so long that she feared learning the truth.

“I’m a trained nurse!” Lydia assumed it was Ada’s voice she heard coming from the kitchen as she entered with Tommy and the bottle of rum he had plucked from the bar.

“Pay no mind, Ada, I’ve found a nurse who did more than one first aid class.” The entire Shelby family looked at Lydia like she was a ghost. In a way, she was.

“The photograph,” Polly whispered.

“Do you have some tape? His thumb is broken,” Lydia asked as she began to roll up her sleeve. She plucked the rum from Tommy’s hand, sparing him a glance, before taking the rag from the hands of his sister. She figured the best way to get Tommy to talk to her was to take care of his brother first. Then she could at least make the argument that he owed her.

“I’ll go grab some,” Ada murmured as she stared at Tommy. He seemed to be taking this incredibly well. Her and Polly had sat by the fire before and talked about the girl in the picture Tommy thought he kept hidden from his family in the desk. The girl who had he had given a matching silver ring to.

“You’re the American nurse. From France,” Arthur pointed out as she offered him the bottle.

“Yes. Now drink.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send in your thoughts!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only he would talk to her.

Lydia took her time washing the blood from her hands in the kitchen sink. Tommy had locked himself in a room that she assumed acted as his office of sorts. She had rubbed her hands almost raw in the hopes he would show his face again. All she wanted to do was talk to him. She wasn’t looking to pick up exactly where they had left off. If he wanted nothing to do with her, the least he could do would be to say it to her face.

“They’re as clean as they’re gonna get.” Lydia turned to see Polly, brown curls cascading over one shoulder, a black cigarette dangling elegantly from her fingertips.

“Yeah, I suppose I just…” Lydia didn’t know how to explain that she was planning on washing her hands until Tommy showed up again. Polly noticed her eyes linger longingly on the closed doors on the side of the sitting room.

“The ring Tommy used to wear, you’re the girl with the matching one.”

“Yes. I was. I am. I was.” Things were so much more complicated now. And the only person who could help her work through them had locked himself away.

“He thought you were dead.”

“I thought he was dead.” Polly watched her closely as she took a drag from her cigarette. “I guess I should be heading back. If Arthur needs anything, I’m sure someone will know where to find me.” She had to stop back at The Garrison first since Tommy had dragged her away without her purse, gloves and coat.

“Lydia.” The name felt heavy on Tommy’s tongue. He hadn’t said it out loud since the battlefield. Since he had screamed for her as he watched the hospital burn. He found it difficult to look at her now. Tommy had gotten used to the feeling of his world being titled and out of balance. But now, looking at her in his kitchen, it felt like it was put back into its proper place. But now he felt out of balance. Everything had shifted and Tommy hadn’t found his footing yet. “Thank you for helping tonight.”

“You didn’t leave me much of a choice.” She had been shocked by the ferocity of Tommy’s grip on her arm back at The Garrison. She thinks there were a lot of new things about Tommy she needed to learn.

“Forgive me but your presence was quite startling.” He rubbed a cigarette along his bottom lip before tucking it into the corner of his mouth and lighting it.

“And you think I was expecting to see you when I opened that window today?” Polly watched the two spar back and forth with a gleam. Perhaps this wasn’t the doomed love Tommy had led her to believe it was.

“Why else would you be here?” he emphasized with a jab of his cigarette in her direction, “You spend how many years with me thinking you were never even real-”

“That’s rich, Thomas, I know I didn’t receive any letters from you.” He strode over to her quickly until he was so close that the counter top pressed into her back. Polly took the change in the air to be her cue to leave.

“You know I searched through the debris of the hospital like a fucking animal! Looking for scraps of you!” 

“I wasn’t in the fucking hospital, Tommy!” She grabbed his face between her hands. He was breathing heavily and his eyes looked wild. Like the animal he had just been comparing himself to. Seeing as Lydia had thought Tommy had perished in that hospital fire, she had never thought about what he had been through since the war. But now her mind was racing with the horrors she had seen other soldiers experience. It pained her to think her Tommy had been through the same. With the guilt of thinking he had lost her added on top of that.

“Then where have you been all this time?” He was breathing easier now. Her touch had calmed him back in France and there was no change in that now. He was angry at her for abandoning him the way she had. For letting him shoulder the pain of her death while he didn’t have to. For taking away his smile.

“In New York. Thinking you were dead. Thinking you had been in the hospital that day.” Tommy stepped away from her and let her hands fall from his face.

“Right,” he breathed in the smoke of his cigarette like it was the only thing he needed to survive, “I’ll have one of my men make sure you get home safe.”

“Tommy-”

“Not tonight, Lydia, not tonight.” He held her gaze as he whispered the words softly. Rage and regret. Some guilt was settling inside of him at all the nasty, overwhelming feelings that had swelled inside of him since The Garrison that morning. There was only so much emotion Tommy Shelby could handle and he had reached his capacity for the night. Besides, it wasn’t as if they could go back to where they had been. He wasn’t that man anymore. Wasn’t the man she had spoken to about her dreams at night. All he was good for now was a nightmare. 

\----

_ “It’s hard to imagine that this is a war zone.” Lydia was lying on her back in the grass outside of the field hospital. Tommy was lying next to her. She would have preferred to curl up next to him but the stitches on his ribs had busted earlier.  _

_ “What do you think this place looked like before the war?”  _

_ “Exactly the same. Something this peaceful, during a time this violent, has to have always been that way.” Tommy hummed at her words. She had dragged him out to look at the stars. Something about fresh air being the most powerful tool for healing falling from her lips. He’d go anywhere she asked him to. The feeling of her hand in his was too addicting to pass up. _

_ “We could get married in a field like this.” Lydia giggled. _

_ “You’re being silly, Thomas.” _

_ “The thought of marrying me is silly to you?” She turned to look at him. _

_ “You’re being serious?” _

_ “Why not? I could use someone like you back in Birmingham.” _

_ “And what, exactly, is even in Birmingham?” _

_ “Me.” And that was enough. _

Tommy stared out the window, smoking a cigarette slowly. He wasn’t surprised that his dreams had been about her tonight. She was all he could think about. And now that he knew she was alive and within reach, perhaps she would be all he could ever think about. He knows she expected more out of their reunion than he had given her. He hated that she had to see him as the man he was now. She deserved better. That much he was sure of.

Her hands had been so soft against his face. They had grounded him the way they had before. He wanted to close his eyes and fall into their softness. He wanted them to ease all the pain he had been suffering from since their separation. He wanted to tell her that he may still have it in him to love her. If only she could find it within herself to love a man like him.

\----

It was a slow afternoon at the pub, the groups of men scattered about the tables and taking their time with their pints. It was a welcome change of pace for Lydia. She had broken a sweat during the initial wave and was happy to have at least a moment to cool off. It was peaceful until the door opened and in walked Tommy Shelby and his band of Peaky Blinders, as Lydia had learned they called themselves. The group went to their private room but Tommy walked right up to the bar.

“I trust Robert was pleasant company on your walk home last night.” 

“Do you always have a cigarette in your mouth?” she questioned as he pulled one out from a tin in his pocket. He offered one to her instead of answering her. “I don’t smoke.” She went back to wiping the bar top.

“I remember you doing so back in France.”

“I was trying to impress you,” she whispered as a flush spread across her cheeks. 

“Watching you amputate a man’s leg was impressive enough,” he mused as he held the cigarette between two fingers. A comfortable silence fell between the two. Tommy leaning on the bar and watching her wipe the rag in circular motions. A Blinder called from the snug, asking what he was doing, but he paid him no mind. “What are you doing here, Lydia?” His change in tone is what made her look up. It sounded like the old Tommy. If only for a second.

“You’ll be upset if I tell you.” Lydia had planned on handling Campbell in her own way. Tommy didn’t need to be involved. Besides, he had been quite protective of her in France and she only imagined he was still the same way.

“How could I be upset?” It was as much as he was willing to let on. He was happy she was back in his life. But that wasn’t a word that kept hm in power. Wasn’t a word that would keep her safe.

“The man who did that to your brother. He brought me here.” When it didn’t look as though she was planning on elaborating, Tommy placed his hand on top of hers to stop the process of cleaning.

“What do you mean he brought you here?”

“Said I could be his negotiating tool.” His face hardened until he was looking through her instead of at her. The rage he had grown comfortable harboring within him was beginning to show. “I told him that we hadn’t spoken, that I thought you were-”

“He’s using you as bait.” Inspector Campbell had gone through the trouble of locating Tommy’s long lost love in a bid to win against him. Had chosen the object of his most precious memories, the only things keeping him alive, to toy with him. To put her in harm's way without any regard. This upped the stakes. Any concessions Tommy might have been considering were gone. Replaced was ice in his veins and fire in his soul.

“I’m sorry. I got so caught up when he told me you were alive that I…” she murmured as she shrugged her shoulders sheepishly. The picture of Tommy in his uniform in the file Campbell had given her had made her smitten all over again. She had tucked between the pages of the book she was currently reading. 

“Don’t apologize to me. We’ve been through too much for that.” He had been fully prepared and willing to spend the rest of his life with her. He was wary of trusting her the way he once had but the time they had spent together in France, now that was something he couldn’t ignore.

“I’m on your side, Tommy. I promise.” She thinks she might have imagined the smile that flickered across his face and the gentle squeeze of his hand on hers.

\----

Lydia heard the footsteps of the Inspector coming up behind her as she admired the marble statue. It was an odd place for him to choose for them to meet. She always thought museums were a place for independent quietness.

“Was it nice to see your long lost soldier again?” He didn’t even bother to try and hide the contempt in his voice. Lydia hated that he was using these old feelings as a weapon against both her and Tommy. But she couldn’t jump ship from Campbell just yet. They had only just been reunited.

“Yes, sir, but I still have a lot to learn about the new Thomas Shelby.”

“What about the pack of scum he runs with? The Peaky Blinders?”

“Nothing. I am working on getting closer.” The Inspector stopped his pacing and walked close enough to whisper into her ear.

“You do so by whatever means necessary.” Her leapt into her throat, her nails digging into her palm to keep her from lashing out. Her and Tommy, it had only been one time, their last night in the field under the stars before the fire that separated them. If she ever was forced to barter her memories, that would be the one never up for sale. For Campbell to think she would partake in such an act for less than pure reasons, with Tommy Shelby of all people...she was enraged.

“Of course,” she whispered back. She made sure to hold his gaze without faltering. Now was no time to show weakness.

“That’s one of the reasons why I’ve always argued that women should be allowed in the field. Nothing makes men weak quite like they do.” He assessed her up and down the way Lydia assumed a predator does its prey. She held the shiver at bay that wished to run through her body. After the way Tommy had hardened at the mention of Campbell at the pub, she thinks it would be easy for her to ask him to dispose of the cop. She considered it as he leered at her.

“Good day, Inspector.” She spun on her heel without a second thought and marched right out of the gallery. She had told Tommy earlier that she was on his side. Now, she was going to prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder you can follow me on tumblr under the same name and chat with me about the story over there! I also post on there as well


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was learning about the new Thomas Shelby.

“Is Tommy here?” Lydia was breathless by the time she made it to Watery Lane. She had practically ran. The faster she got away from Campbell then the faster she would be with Tommy. Where she should have been all these years.

“He’s working.” It was Polly who answered the door. The frantic knocks had scared her. Made her think it was a Shelby child who was at the door, injured and in need of help. Instead she had found Lydia. Someone who was once meant to become a Shelby. “Why don’t you come in and have a cup of tea? You seem frazzled.” Polly gave her no choice, grabbing her by the shoulders and pulling her into the kitchen. 

“It’s been quite the culture shock to be here, I suppose” Lydia shrugged off her cut and hung it on a hook by the door. The Shelby matriarach assessed Lydia with the same glances Campbell had just moments before yet there was a different intent behind her eyes. It wasn’t predatory. It was more like cataloging. “Yesterday, you knew who I was.” Polly nodded slowly as she slid a teacup in front of the girl.

“I did.” Lydia had been hoping for slightly more elaboration that it seemed she was going to get. “What’s your business with my nephew?” She made it sound much more clinical that it was. As if there was no emotion involved between Tommy and Lydia anymore. Maybe there wasn’t.

“I don’t know actually. I felt uneasy and my feet lead me here.” She ran her finger around the rim of her cup, lost in thought.

“Tommy isn’t the man you met in France.”

“That much I do know,” Lydia said with a smile, “but having him, any version, seems to be better than not.”

“Even when you’re working with the man trying to ruin him?” Polly was angry at Tommy for getting their family caught up in this nonsense with the guns. Lydia represented one of the biggest threats they had ever faced.

“Polly? Did you hear the news on Monaghan Boy?” Tommy came bursting into the kitchen and recognized the look on his aunt’s face instantly. And when he looked at Lydia, she was refusing to look at him. “What’s happed?”

“Nothing!” Lydia chirped. She plastered a smile on her face and stood, gathering her things. “I was on my way to The Garrison and your aunt saw me and invited me in for some tea. Thank you again, Polly. Congratulations on your horse, Thomas.” He looked to his aunt with a confused expression before he quickly followed after Lydia.

“Lydia! Wait!” The people of Small Heath were startled to see Tommy Shelby out in the streets without his cap or coat and no cigarette dangling from his mouth.

“Tommy, I’m already running late,” she said after he caught up to her.

“Doesn’t matter. Harry’s capable.” He circled around her so she had to stop walking away from him. Now that he was closer he could see the dainty tear rolling down her cheek. “What did Polly say? Did she make you upset?” He’d have words with her. Tell her that Lydia was here to stay. In what capacity, he hadn’t decided yet but no one in his family was allowed to go running her out of town.

“No. I’m making myself upset,” she reasoned. Roughly, she wiped away the tear and tore her gaze from Tommy’s. “I should’ve just let you and your family be. Shouldn’t have let Campbell talk me into coming. My heads cramped enough without adding his voice to it.”

“You know if he does or says anything to you, I’ll-”

“I’ll come to you. I promise.” Tommy was glad she didn’t let him finish. It was best to not expose the dark depths of his character to her quite yet. Lydia didn’t want to let on that she had shown up to his home for that exact reason then been guilted out of it. Polly had reminded her she was an outsider. That she didn’t belong.

Tommy allowed himself a moment of indulgence and brushed his knuckles against her cheek. The way he had been doing to her picture all these years. “Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would get to touch you again.” He figured he already looked like a mad man being all disheveled in the streets. Standing close to a woman that just showed up the other day. That was working with the man who had nearly beat his brother to death. Might as well lean into it.

“I haven’t gotten a chance to enjoy being with you,” she whispered as leaned into his touch.

“Because things can’t just go back to where they were, Lydia. My life is...my life isn’t…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Tommy. We have all the time in the world to figure it out, yeah?” The hidden message was that she didn’t plan on leaving. Ever again. She had experienced life without Tommy Shelby and found it wasn’t quite living. “Have a drink with me before I start my shift?” The tea hadn’t been nearly strong enough for the day she had had.

“Have you gotten any better at holding your whiskey since France?” Tommy asked as he held the door to The Garrison open for her.

“Now that is something you will have to wait and find out on your own.”

\----

“Miss Lydia! Miss Lydia!” She had been walking home after a particularly long night at The Garrison, a night empty of any Shelby’s which made it even longer, when she heard the singing voices of some of the local children. Lydia had figured shuffling between The Garrison and her apartment was no way to live and be happy so she had taken up teaching reading and writing at a local orphanage. The purity of the children made her own soul feel at ease on the dark and lonely Birmingham nights.

“What is it, Abby?” Lydia bent at the knee so she could be at the same height as the little girl.

“Mr. Shelby is waiting for you by the fire! Come on!” Abby took her hand and began running off into the night, Lydia doing her best to keep up amongst the crowd that seemed to be heading in the same direction as them. She wanted to ask for an explanation on what exactly they were running towards but the cheers of their destination were making it hard to even think.

At first she thought the orange light of the fire was coming from one of the factories that lined the street. But as they neared closer, she realized it was more of a bonfire. And was entirely man made and fueled by pictures of the King. As an American woman, Lydia didn’t quite understand the reverence to the King but she understood it basically enough to know this was an act of provocation. And she was certain which man would be standing in front of the crowd and which man he was provoking. “Mr. Shelby I’ve found her.”

“Thank you, Abigail.” Tommy pulled two pounds from his pocket and pressed them into the chubby hand of the girl.

“You’re using orphans to run errands now?” It was incredibly warm by the fire and with the crowd of people that had amassed around it but she moved closer to Tommy regardless.

“Only when an errand involves you. I know you ignore every voice that calls to you on the street save for that of a child.” It was true. Lydia had gotten quite good at ignoring anything and everything that she heard and saw on the streets of Birmingham. 

“Did you wish for me to be here so I can report back to my minder?”

“No that is what the reporter was here for.” Lydia scoffed.

“I thought you chose to conduct your business in silence?”

“I hide in plain sight.” They had moved ever closer over the course of their banter until their chests were touching and Lydia was practically inhaling the cigarette smoke that fell from his lips. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you recently.” Their drink together a The Garrison had felt good. Had been normal. Tommy had made her laugh and she had made him smile. He told Polly when he got home afterwards that she wasn’t to try and scare anything out of Lydia ever again. Tommy would handle any discrepancies relating to her allegiance and he alone. Polly had her doubts he could do that with clear eyes but she let the subject drop.

“It’s alright. Arthur is there enough for the both of you.” There wasn’t a time of day that Lydia hadn’t shared a whiskey with the older Shelby. She found his company quite amusing. And he found her ability to finish a bottle with him and still carry on to be biblical.

“He can’t shut up about you, I think he’s fallen in love.” 

“If only he had shown up in the field hospital that day then maybe he would stand a chance.” She looked to Tommy with a smile but saw that he was now looking at his shoes. They hadn’t spoken about France. About what they used to have. About what they used to be. “Sorry.” Lydia was dying to talk to him about it. For so long she had been left to her own thoughts on the subject matter. Had been left to decipher every memory on her own. Now that her partner was back, she wanted his help.

“I’m sorry too.” He was sorry he couldn’t bring himself to open up to her like he once had. Like she deserved. Like he would need to for there to be any future between the two of them.

“I should get going. Thank you for the fire.” She had been around the new Tommy long enough to know when he had shut down. There was no point to her standing around. Once he was in that headspace, it was near impossible he came out of it quickly.

“Would you like to come by for tea in the morning?” Tommy hadn’t been in the practice of courting women since before the war. He wasn’t quite sure how men did it anymore. He was even less sure how American did it or how Lydia expected him to do it. He used to be a traditional man. Knew exactly what to do in the presence of a respectable lady like her. Now he was completely lost. Hopefully, Lydia would be able to meet him in the middle on this journey to figure things out between them.

“I don’t really like tea, Thomas.”

“Then we don’t have to drink tea, we can-”

“Is breakfast too early for a whiskey?” There was an incredibly mischievous glint to her eyes that made Tommy smile.

“Perhaps not,” he replied gently.

“You’ll send a car for me?” She began to walk backwards from the fire but kept her eyes locked onto him. He was quite amused by how at ease she was with him. Refreshing. Normally the seas parted when he walked down the streets but she was content on placing more obstacles in his way. Tommy supposes nothing worth having was easy.

“Anything for you, Miss Wilson.” A princess who might one day be Queen.

\----

Lydia was scared to knock on the door to Watery Lane since her last experience ended with her in tears but she was delighted to see Ada open the door as opposed to her Aunt.

“Morning, Ada. I’ve stopped by to see your brother.” Ada smiled devilishly.

“He’s smiling more since you’ve been around. I’d be delighted to have you in this house more often.” She found Tommy to be much more tolerable when he was being overprotective with a smile. At least she felt some sort of love emanating from him. “I was just about to have some toast and jam. Would you like any?”

“That would be lovely, thank you.” Lydia hung her coat by the door before following Ada into the kitchen.

“Tommy went to run an errand this morning but I am sure he’ll be back soon.” She thanked Ada as she placed a plate of toast in front of her, spreading jam on her own slice before handing it to Lydia. “Tell me a bit about you Lydia.” All Ada had ever known about the woman was that Tommy had met her overseas and carried home her picture accompanied with a broken heart.

“I’m from New York. Worked as a nurse during the war, a secretary since then. Now I’m here.” Ada was sure there were plenty of interesting details that were missing from that retelling but kept her assumption to herself.

“And how was it that someone as beautiful as you came to be seduced by my demonic brother?” Lydia chuckled around the piece of toast she was eating.

“Well, Ada, we’d have to go back to the beginning to try and figure that one out.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the beginning.

_ Lydia was peacefully changing the bandages on a wounded soldier when there was a shift in the air. The quiet hospital, save for the occasional groan when a patient tried to roll over, suddenly shifted like a fireball had rolled into it. Her fellow nurses were helping carry in three men that were limp in their hold. Blood caking their faces. Body parts pointing in directions they didn’t naturally point in. _

_ “What happened?” She moved towards the bed that now held one of the men. “Get me a knife and towels!” _

_ “Tunnelers. We think one of their devices when off before they got far enough away.” One nurse, Fiona, began to wipe the blood from his face and arms while Lydia used the knife to slice his clothes from his body in a bid to look for the extent of the damage.  _

_ “Shit the pieces look like they’re really in there.” _

_ “Dr. Whitworth isn’t here, Lydia and we aren’t-” Lydia grabbed the arms of Fiona. _

_ “We’ve watched him perform surgery like this a million times.” _

_ “Lydia-” _

_ “Don’t say it, Fi. He won’t make it until the doctor comes back. If this was your husband or brother wouldn’t you hope someone would at least try?”  _

“You performed surgery without authorization?” Ada held the toast in her hand frozen midbite when the story had flowed from Lydia’s mouth.

“Kind of. But it all worked out!” Lydia quickly shoved the bread into her mouth. She hadn’t spoken of that time since her last conversation in France with Tommy. In all honesty, her actions were reckless and naive and she could have been responsible for his death that day. But she had saved him. She didn’t regret it for a single second.

“I’ll say,” Ada replied with a smirk. She had female intuition. She knew Tommy was actually smiling now that his long lost love wasn’t so lost anymore. Had heard in the streets that Tommy Shelby would go to The Garrison and be so taken by the new barmaid he didn’t even bother to order a drink. That he had been late to a meeting in order to hear the end of the story she had been telling him.

“You should be eating a real breakfast, Ada, and not just bread and jam.” Lydia swallowed as Polly came strolling into the kitchen.

“Everything’s been making me ill lately. This is all I can stomach.” 

“Is it the flu?” Instinctively, Lydia reached her hand to Ada’s forehead to feel for a temperature. There was none. And her skin was no paler than it had been the other day in this very kitchen. Maybe she did seem a bit swollen or bloated.

“No I don’t-Polly!” Ada exclaimed as her aunt grabbed her tit.

“When was the last time you bled?” Lydia’s eyebrows shot up as she realized exactly where this inquiry was going.

“I’m only a couple weeks late,” Lydia looked at her like she knew she was lying, “Fine! A few weeks late!”

“And the father?” Polly asked as she fell into the third seat at the table.

“Doesn’t know. He’s left town for a bit,” Ada got visibly upset at the deep sigh that fell from Polly’s mouth and the way Lydia avoided eye contact with her. “He’ll come back! I’m sure of it.”

“There’s a woman in Cardiff,” Polly began but was interrupted by Tommy appearing in the doorway.

“I thought I heard your voice.” It seemed as though he hadn’t even noticed the other two at the table. Choosing to focus on Lydia’s surprised face as if he had caught her in the middle of something improper. “Did I interrupt something?” Tommy finally glanced towards the faces of his aunt and his sister. Polly looked stern and Ada looked guilty.

“Not at all! I was just expressing how I would like a tour of your office.” Lydia stood quickly from the table and smoothed the front of her skirt. Quickly she moved to grab Tommy’s arm and gently guide him back from where he came.

“Hold on-”

“Thomas, we were discussing feminine problems and it’s incredibly embarrassing that you are still standing here.” She was looking at him with a perfectly serious expression and raised eyebrows as if she was daring him to inquire on the topic of their conversation one more time. He opened his mouth but closed it after a moment of thought. Ada smiled gratefully at Lydia as her brother finally turned back into the parlor.

“I got the best bottle from Harry’s cupboard for you. I think you’ll like it.” Tommy handed her the whiskey as he opened the door to the betting shop.

“Looks beautiful,” she murmured as she handed it back to him. The shop was slowly building to its bustling nature. Men were counting money and adding numbers on the till. Lydia was drawn naturally to the chalkboard that seemed to be the centerpiece.

“Monaghan Boy,” she said as she tapped the name with her finger, “I heard you made quite the spectacle with him downtown.” Tommy smirked.

“Giving people a reason to part with their coin.” He put the whiskey down on a nearby table in order to pull a cigarette from his back pocket. “You talking to the locals about me?” Lydia blushed.

“The men at The Garrison wax poetics about you. And I can’t help if I’m curious as to the man you are today. Though I am happy to see you managed to find a way to work with horses,” she teased. She remembered how he had told her his dreams of owning a stables and spending his days riding and training and grooming the animals. She wonders how much of the gypsy spirit still resided within him.

“I have a habit of getting what I want,” he said low enough so only she could hear. So he knew exactly what he meant behind those words. She stepped closer to him. They had a tendency to create this little moments inside their hectic world. Where nothing could penetrate the air around them. Lydia had become addicted to the way that felt. 

“What I want, Thomas, is to drink this whole bottle with you before the sun reaches it peak.”

“I have work to do.” He did. That much was true. But he also needed to create distance from her. It was beginning to feel good and that was dangerous.

“Is that what you want?”

“No,” he whispered like it was the most sacred of secrets. He so badly wanted to kiss her. To fall right into the abyss like he had back in France. To pretend that his life was simple enough that he could meet a girl and fall in love her and have a beautiful future. But that wasn’t his life. At one point it had been. But now it was razor blades and racetracks and war. And Lydia, his little dove, was standing right in the crosshairs.

“Where’d you go?” she whispered as she traced her fingers down the side of his face. She had noticed the look in his eyes drift to a faraway place. “Come back, Thomas.”

“You’ll be patient with me, won’t you?” She furrowed her brows at his question.

“What do you mean?” He laced their fingers together and pulled her into the private office.

“Things in my head aren’t always right anymore. Things in my life certainly aren’t what they were when I met you. I can’t do things with you the way I had and the way I want to and I just need to know that you’ll be patient with me.”

“Yes. You never have to ask if I’ll wait for you. I’ve drank myself to sleep just to see you in my dreams,” she confessed. Tommy didn’t have the heart to tell her about the opium he smoked in order to see her. Unable to stop himself, he pressed his lips to her forehead. He let himself absorb the feeling of her skin and tried to tell her, in that simple action, that he could find a way to love her again if she could find it in herself to love a man like him in return.

“Would you like that whiskey now?” he asked with a smile. For Tommy Shelby, life felt pretty good. And that scared him.

\----

_ Lydia couldn’t stop giggling as Tommy peppered kisses all over her face. She had just stopped by his group of men to say goodbye as she was heading into town to pick up more supplies with Fiona. _

_ “Thomas, I’ll only be gone an hour.” _

_ “I’ve never been away from you that long before.” He knew he sounded like a child but he couldn’t find it in himself to even feel slightly ashamed about it. Every second that was away from him was a second that he wasn’t able to protect her and love her and show her off as his. His. Tommy Shelby had never had anything that he didn’t have to share with his brothers and sister. Lydia was going to be his wife. He would never have to share her affection or her attention with any of them. Only he would know the joy of her love. _

_ “When I get back, I’ll change your bandages with the new ones we are getting. They should be more comfortable as you get ready to…” She couldn’t get the dreaded words out. Tommy had been given a clean bill of health by the doctors. He was due back out on the front lines soon. She wouldn’t know where he was and what he was doing the way she had been. Things could happen to him and she could be the last to know. _

_ “We don’t have to worry about the future,” he whispered as he threaded his fingers into her hair, “we have right now and let’s make the best of it.” _

Tommy woke to the sound of his name being called out the window. He was grateful for it. The hospital caught fire moments after his last conversation with Lydia. He barely survived his heart breaking from the sight once, he didn’t want to feel it all over again. He thinks his mind was playing tricks on him. Reminding him how loving Lydia had caused him pain previously. Letting him know that it could again.

With his coat wrapped tightly around him, Tommy walked to The Garrison through the rain. He had just put down his beautiful white horse. Cursed by the Lee family. Tommy thinks that is why he always had to be on guard. Always be one step ahead. Because everything in his life was cursed. And his curse was to watch the people and things he loved crumble while he stayed strong.

“Did you walk here in the rain?” Lydia pulled Tommy inside and pulled his wet cap and coat from him. 

“I just shot my new white horse. The one you were admiring the other day.” He had ridden it to the bar with the intent of showing her. Showing Lydia the beautiful things that he could afford. That he was moving up in the world. It had been in a bid to impress her and now it had backfired.

“Why? He looked perfectly fine and beautiful when you were riding him the other day.”

“He looked at me the wrong way. It’s not good to look at Tommy Shelby the wrong way.” His stare was blank as she sat across from him at a table. Like he was looking right through her.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she whispered. He seemed fragile sitting in front of her. She didn’t want to rock his boat.

“Do you remember when I took you dancing in France?” Lydia chuckled.

“It was hardly dancing, Thomas. More like we snuck into the American camp and danced outside their event.” She remembered it clearly. Dancing to the faint sounds of music and glasses clinking and Tommy’s heartbeat guiding her along the steps.

“It was a sad song we danced to. I remember my chest feeling tight. But I didn’t know if it was because of the song or because I was falling in love with you.”

“Tommy…” That was a strong word. One they hadn’t said out loud to each other since Lydia had shown up in Birmingham. She didn’t want to say it. Campbell was still here and guns were still missing and Tommy Shelby was not her Tommy Shelby. She was still trying to memorize the new scars and bruises and calluses that had appeared since France. She couldn’t be in love with him yet.

“I think I’m falling in love with you again.” On the tip of her tongue were words telling him that he couldn’t say that. That is was too soon and too new and too much for her to handle. That he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be making such an admission to her. That she hadn’t imagined it happening this way.

“Do you mean that?” Tommy stood and walked around to her side of the table, kneeling on the floor so she was slightly taller than him.

“I do. And I’ll prove it by doing it right. Will you let me court you, Miss Wilson?” She giggled as Tommy took her hand and daintily kissed the back of it.

“How can I say no to that, Mr. Shelby?”

“I wouldn’t let you.” He kissed her hand again. “I want to show you more of the business. I want to take you to the races.”

“As long as business doesn’t take up too much of the time.” She knew businessmen like Tommy back in New York. Money and networking always took precedent over her company at dinner or a party.

“You’re my priority, yeah?” She nodded, his fingers holding her chin so she had to look at him and see the sincerity in his eyes. “Will you accept a gift from me? Something to wear?” Lydia knew that Tommy was a man of new wealth. But she was also fiercely independent and didn’t want him to think she needed his money or was attracted to him because of it.

“Only if you don’t go overboard.” Her face was stern and it was Tommy’s turn to read the sincerity in her eyes.

“Of course.”

“Then I guess we will be off to the races.” If only they knew.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leave her out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight smut warning :)

Tommy had thought a lot about what his first meeting with Campbell might look like. He had thought it over in his head a million different ways so no matter what tact it took, he wouldn’t be caught off guard. But now that he knew just how deeply Lydia was involved with the entire mess, it made things more difficult. He couldn’t risk upsetting the Inspector or she might suffer because of it. And he couldn’t risk showing the effect her return had him because that could put her in just as much danger. 

He presented Campbell with his list of demands. The police look the other way regarding all dealings of the Shelby family business. And in return he would get the guns he came looking for.

“That is all you would like, Mr. Shelby?” Campbell thought the list was slim for a man of his cunning nature. For a man who held the upper hand in their negotiation. 

“You carry on your investigation and our new partnership without the help of Miss Wilson.” Tommy pulled the cigarette from his lips so not a single word that came from his mouth could be misconstrued. “We have an understanding between us now and her messenger services are no longer needed.” The trembling in his fingers was from rage. He wanted to threaten Campbell. Tell him exactly what he would do to him if he didn’t release Lydia from her commitment. Perhaps erroneously, Tommy thought that the physical release of Lydia from Campbell would allow him to tear down his personal obstacles to loving her.

“I am actually on my way to meet her now, Mr. Shelby.” He stepped closer so he could whisper into Tommy’s ear. “I think I can find other ways to keep her busy during her time here if you don’t want her as a messenger anymore.” The threat was laced into his statement. Tommy knew exactly what a man like Campbell would find for Lydia to do.

“You look at her wrong and I’ll send those guns to the IRA without even a second thought.”

“There is no wrong way of looking at her.” He was daring Tommy to make a move. To do something that he could act on. Tommy refused to give him the satisfaction.

“Then please give the young woman my best.” He adjusted his cap and strolled away from the Inspector. Campbell had to be taken care of. And Tommy couldn’t wait.

\----

Lydia kept the tiny binoculars to her eyes as Campbell landed in the seat beside her. She had been enjoying the opera that he had chosen to meet her at. The acoustics feeling as though they were angled just right to hit her right in the heart. She didn’t speak the language the show was in but somehow she understood.

“I just spoke with Thomas fucking Shelby.” Lydia gripped the binoculars tighter at the disdain in his voice.

“And?”

“It’s imperative, now more than ever, that you give me something to work with when it comes to him. I need leverage.”

“I thought my mere presence was your leverage.” Campbell angrily ripped the binoculars from her hand and held her wrist tight enough that it hurt. “Inspector-”

“I will pass along the same threat I offered to Mr. Shelby today. If you don’t prove yourself useful, I know men who would love to meet the pretty American girl who is lost in Birmingham.” Lydia barely even registered what he was saying. He said he had made the same mention to Tommy. Campbell was a dead man walking. She just had to wait it out.

“I’ll get you something. I promise.” All she really wanted was for the Inspector to let go of her wrist. Her fingers were starting to tingle from the ferocity of his grip. He didn’t respond verbally, instead throwing her hand towards her and stalking out of the auditorium. Lydia ducked her head until the other people around her looked away and back towards the stage. There was no way she could go back to her flat alone tonight and feel safe. So after the show, she made her way to Watery Lane.

\----

She was grateful it was Tommy who opened the door. The entire way over she had been composing herself. She had used tissue in the restroom of the opera to wipe her face of tears and her messed up makeup. Another patron was pulling on gloves when Lydia looked down and saw the bruise on her wrist. After a brief conversation, the woman offered her the gloves with a sad smile.

“Everything alright?” Tommy had been trying to sleep. And hadn’t been succeeding. The knocks on the front door were so faint that he wasn’t sure how he even heard them.

“No. I didn’t feel comfortable being alone tonight.” He stepped aside and she stepped into his home. She began to remove her hat and coat when he stopped her.

“Leave them in my room. This way no one will ask any questions.” Nodding, she followed him up the stairs and down the hall to his room where there was a candle burning. She had dreamed about Tommy’s bedroom ever since she met him in France. It was exactly how she had imagined. Small and cozy with pictures of his family and a cluttered desk to show evidence of his busy mind.

“Sorry that I woke you,” she said sheepishly.

“Nonsense. Was having trouble anyways.” They stood across the room from each other like awkward virgins. For some reason, being in his room felt like the most intimate thing she had ever done. That rectangle in the corner a bright reminder of where she was and what two people with feelings for each other did there. “Here. Let me help you with your coat and things.” Tommy made the first step to close the gap between them. Carefully, he took the hat from head and placed it on his desk along with her purse.

“The buttons can be tricky,” she whispered as she swatted his hands way and used her tinier fingers to work the black buttons of her coat. He noticed they were trembling and gently placed his hand on her gloved one.

“What’s got you all shaken?”

“It’ll sound so stupid if I say it out loud,” she said with a frustrated tug at a particularly tempermental button. Tommy deftly undid it then grasped her fingers and held them to his chest.

“You can tell me anything. And I will never judge you for it.”

“I’m just nervous being in your room like this. It feels so intimate and-”

“And the feeling in the pit of your stomach isn’t new but you haven’t felt it in awhile.” He didn’t say it like it was a question but a statement of fact. Because he was feeling it too. Had been feeling it since he opened the window in The Garrison and saw her standing there. Had spent the previous years waking up from his nightmares with the feeling. The feeling of knowing he had once been loved so purely and so intimately and so perfectly and that he would never find that again. But now he had.

“I came here because I felt unsettled. And even now you make me feel safe.”

“I will always keep you safe,” he whispered as he dropped his forehead to hers. She moved to hold his face between her white gloved hands, forgetting entirely what it was they were hiding, and admired the way he looked younger in the moonlight. Like her soldier.

“I think I still love you, Thomas Shelby,” she whispered so low that it was almost as if she never said it at all. He returned the sentiment by finally kissing her. There was no such thing as self control when it came to her anymore. Now that he knew they were both walking down this path together, he threw caution to the wind and sprinted. 

She met him just as fiercely in the kiss, pressing onto her tiptoes in a bid to get as much of his lips against hers as possible. It felt familiar and new all at the same time and it was dizzying. Tommy slid his hands down her back and pulled her flush against him, a moan slipping from her lips and his tongue taking advantage of the opening to tangle with hers. “Tommy,” she gasped as he pulled her lip between then began nipping at her jawline and down her throat. Lydia moved herself forward until Tommy fell back on his bed and she propped herself above him.

“You’re a vision,” he panted as he cupped her flushed cheek and pulled her back to him. Their legs tangled together as he rolled over to be on top, her legs instinctively coming to lock around his waist.

“Maybe we should slow down,” she moaned as her eyes fluttered closed, his hips unconsciously rocking against her core and dampening her undergarments. Tommy gently sucked on the sensitive skin behind her ear as he felt his own arousal forming within him. “But that feels so good.” Lydia quieted the voice in her mind telling her to stick to kissing and she moved her hips upwards to meet his.

“Fuck, Lydia, are you trying to get me to come in my pants?”

“Yes, fuck, Tommy. Harder, please.” Her blissed out whine was enough to spur him past any reservations. He held her face still as he rutted his hips against his faster and harder. 

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” It took every bit of energy left in her body to open her eyes and meet Tommy’s gaze. He meant to kiss her but he wasn’t able to focus from the pleasure coursing through his body, instead their mouths catching the pants and moans from the other. Tommy felt the knot tightening at his core and he picked up the pace of his hips for the end they were both desperately searching for.

“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,” she chanted as her whole body tensed then fell at the same time as his. Lydia paid no mind to the volume of her climax, the feeling of being with Tommy and the haze his own moans had put her in made her oblivious. He held her tightly against him and gently kissed her cheek over and over again. He was afraid to let her go. Afraid that it would all be just a dream. “Should we get some sleep?” She pulled back from the crook of his neck and traced the features of his face. The slope of his nose. His plump bottom lip. The bags under his eyes.

“We can try. But now that I know I can get you to make sounds like that…” She giggled as he pulled her up and off the bed. 

“My devilish man,” she teased as Tommy handed her one of his shirts to sleep in. 

“All yours,” he replied sincerely. Lydia kissed him softly.

“All yours.”

\----

Tommy woke the next morning and was surprised to find that he had actually slept the night before. Lydia’s head rested against his bare chest, her arm taking up the rest of the expanse of his chest. He kissed the top of her head and ran his hand over her arm, lifting her hand so he could intertwine their fingers and kiss her palm when he noticed the bruises around her wrist. He froze. They looked like the markings a hand would make. She had come to him saying he hadn’t felt safe. Hadn’t taken her gloves off until she was already tucked into his side in bed. Had come from a meeting with Campbell. 

Tommy didn’t need to wait for her to wake up to know who had touched her in such a way. Who had marked her skin with anger. He rolled out of bed and grabbed the revolver off his desk and made his way down the stairs.

“There he is! Who’s the lucky bird you had last night?” Arthur teased before his eyes saw the gun in Tommy’s hand. “Oi! What’re you doing with that?”

“Killing that copper. Are you coming?” Polly looked at Arthur where she was preparing tea.

“With no shirt on, Thomas?”

“Can’t waste anymore fucking time. He-”

“Tommy?” All three of them looked to the staircase to see Lydia, swimming in Tommy’s shirt, standing at the bottom with sleep still on her face.

“Go back upstairs. I’ll be right back,” Tommy reasoned as he quickly walked over to her.

“Where on earth are you going in your night clothes with a gun?”

“Did Campbell do this to you?” He held her arm up and her eyes widened at the sight of the bruises. They looked distinctly like fingers in the morning light. She had forgotten about them after the events of last night.

“Yes-”

“Then I’m going to kill him.”

“Jesus Christ!” Lydia called as Tommy stalked back towards the front door.

“I’m comin’ with ya Tom,” Arthur said as he grabbed his coat.

“Arthur sit back down!” Polly spoke as she pointed at the chair with a spoon.

“You can’t just walk up to him and shoot him,” Lydia said with incredulity as she made her way into the kitchen. 

“We can. You’re a Shelby now.” Lydia looked at Arthur as he said the words then to Tommy who didn’t look like he had a problem with them. “I heard you two last night-”

“Enough! Give me that!” Lydia yanked the revolver out of Tommy’s hand, popping it open and spinning the barrel so all the bullets fell onto the floor.

“That’s kind of attractive,” Arthur mumbled.

“He needs to know what happens when he doesn’t listen to me. When he harms someone I care about.” Tommy considered saying someone he loves but held that back for now.

“Campbell will have his time. But you made a deal with him. And you may need him in the future. Let him at least outlive his usefulness before you shoot him.” Lydia clutched his face. “Don’t let him ruin our morning.” Polly and Arthur watched in disbelief as Tommy visibly softened at her words and under her touch.

“You’re right. Pol, we’d love to join you for breakfast.” Tommy pulled out a seat for Lydia, kissing the top of her head before sitting next to her. Polly couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. A new Shelby indeed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bring her with you too.

The Garrison was alive and bustling and had its own personality. Lydia had never been happier to be at work. Maybe had never been happier in general. Things with Tommy with good. Touches and kisses and whispering silly sweet nothings were now normal aspects of any of their encounters. It felt so right and like it was the way things always should have been. 

She had convinced Tommy one night in bed to let the men sing at the pub. She didn’t participate but she knew what the folk songs did for morale. Softly, she had reminded Tommy that Birmingham was like a battlefield with the ramping up discourse between him and Billy Kimber. The Peaky Blinders were soldiers and Tommy would do good to remember that in his dealings with them.

“Lydia put the brew down and join us for a drink!” She smiled at Arthur and she placed the bucket of beer on the table and began collecting their empty pint glasses for refills.

“Someone has to keep the men in line out front.” 

“Oi, fuck them! We don’t like sharing,” John piped up, his words muffled from the cigar he was puffing on. Tommy wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her down to sit on his lap, kissing her cheek. “Kiss her properly then, Tom, if you’re going to do it in front of us.” Lydia blushed but Tommy was feeling a bit lightheaded from her and the beer so he pulled her face towards his with a smile and kissed her on the lips. There was no tongue or breathless moans or whispers of how he was so happy to have her like their moments in private usually included but it was nice to claim her in public. Let his immediate circle know he was happy and more importantly that he was happy with her. That she needed to be protected by every member of the Blinders at whatever cost.

“Are you going soft on me, Thomas Shelby?” she whispered teasingly as she traced her finger over the curve of his lip.

“Only for you,” he whispered back with another gentle kiss. She was about to ask him if he could take the afternoon off from business when the entire pub went completely silent.

“Is there any man here named Shelby?” Lydia didn’t recognize the voice which meant he wasn’t native to Small Heath. Tommy’s hands stiffened on her waist and he made eye contact with each of his brothers and the two other Blinders before nodding once. 

“I’m going to go out first. Lydia goes last.”

“You know that man?”

“It’s Billy Kimber and no doubt he’s come to see me. You stand behind the bar and prepare them drinks like they are any normal customer. If guns come out, you drop and-”

“I’ll get out. I know. I promise I won’t stick around and try to help.” They had had a conversation late one night about the potential dangers that came with being seen out with Tommy Shelby. 

“Good,” he kissed her forehead before helping her up and moving towards the door. “You said you wanted men called Shelby.” Lydia snuck from the back of the group to stand behind the bar as she had been instructed.

“Now you’ve got three of them.” She couldn’t tell who the comment had come from as she tried to pour drinks and watch what was going on all at once.

“Which one am I talking to? Who’s the boss?”

“Well, I’m the oldest.” That was clearly Arthur. Lydia moved her hand from the bar top to underneath where Harry kept a pistol in case a fight got to be too much to handle. She knows she promised Tommy she wouldn’t try to help and she would focus on getting out safely but he should know her well enough to not trust her on that. After all this time, she wasn’t going to just simply leave him behind to die.

“You laughing at my brother?”

“If he’s the oldest then you’re the thickest,” Billy directed to John. She knew insulting the Shelby brothers wasn’t going to get him anywhere. It would only make the final enactment of their plan all the more brutal and the payoff all the more sweet. “I’m told the boss is Tommy and I’m guessing that’s you because you’re looking me up and down like a fucking tart.” Lydia bit her lip. Insulting Arthur and John was one thing but that was her Tommy. No one walked spoke to him that way.

“I want to know what you want.” 

“There were suspicious betting patterns at Kempton Park. A horse called Monaghan Boy. He won by a length twice and then finished last with 3,000 bet on him.” That came from the wiry man that was sitting next to Mr. Kimber. He seemed to be the one with the brains.

“Which one am I talking to?” Tommy asked as he waved his cigarette in their direction, “which one of you is the boss?”

“I’m Mr. Kimber’s advisor and accountant.”

“And I’m the fucking boss, right okay, end of parley. You fixed the races and now I’m going to have you shot against a post. You fucking gypsy scum.” One of the men that stood behind him looked towards Lydia like he had just noticed she was there. She quickly looked down at the counter. Tommy noticed the man’s line of sight and flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette rather aggressively. 

“Would you like a drink?” he asked pointing at the man. “On the house.” Lydia held her breath as the man approached the bar.

“What’s a Wilson doing without protection?” The man’s accent was American. 

“I’m not without,” she said nonchalantly as she poured the man a whisky.

“I meant your daddy’s.”

“Step father,” she reminded with a tight smile. 

“Him and your mother were in the London papers just last week. Shame a beautiful gal like you didn’t make the photo session. Would’ve been front page.”

“You’re at war with the Lee’s, right Mr. Kimber?” Lydia leaned closer to the man to whisper as the business conversation took the exact turn Tommy had been hoping it would all along.

“How do you know me if my picture wasn’t in the paper?”

“Saw you at a rally in Ohio last summer.” She didn’t feel threatened by this man. There was nothing he could do to her without immediate repercussions from the Blinders and harsher ones when word reached back across the pond.

“Then, on my behalf of my step father, thank you for your vote.” 

“It would be an honor to work with you, Mr. Kimber. How about a drink to seal the deal?” Lydia flashed the man a tight smile before taking the tray of drinks over to the table where business was being conducted, placing it down and then standing behind Tommy.

“Nobody works with me. They work for me.” Kimber flicked a bill onto the floor. “Pick it up, pikey.” Tightly gripping the back of his chair, she watched Tommy put his hand up towards John.

“Sit. Sit down.” Lydia knew the anger he must be feeling towards the way his brother was being treated. She was feeling it too. “Thank you, Mr. Kimber. We will be at Cheltenham.”

“As will I.” He turned his attention to Lydia who was doing her best to remain stock still behind the table. “If I knew a woman like you would be at this pub, I would’ve come sooner.” Tommy took a step to the left to shield at least a part of her from Kimber’s vision, Arthur lightly gripping the pistol at his hip in preparation.

“Do you have a favorite color, Mr. Kimber?” Lydia softened her voice and looked at him with the best doe eyes she could muster.

“Red.”

“Then it will be easy for you to spot us at the races for I will be in a red dress.” He smiled the way men who see a woman alone in an alley might, tipping his hat and exiting the pub with his entourage.

“What on earth was that?” Tommy asked as he whirled around to face her.

“You got into a fight with the Lee’s on purpose. You invited me to the races on purpose. I’m just playing my part in this stupid little cock fight of a game.” Lydia grabbed the empty glasses, Arthur working his way through each of them, and moved back behind the bar.

“Tommy we can’t mess with Billy fucking Kimber,” Arthur groaned.

“Get yourself a nice haircut. We’re going to the races.”

\----

Tommy was never one to drink as early as his older brother but after the miscommunication between him and Lydia the day before, she had refused to spend the night with him on Watery Lane. She had even asked if one of his men could walk her to her flat instead of him. It had ripped at his very core. All Tommy could promise her was that he would do his best to keep her safe while they were together. He couldn’t promise her a future or eternal happiness but he could at least promise her protection. Not only had her missing from his bed caused his nightmares to come back, but the unknown of her safety made them even worse. He no longer was plagued with the image of her in France but the image of her now. Of all the harm that could come to her now that she was back in his life. Tommy Shelby was not used to feeling helpless. He was used to always being a multitude of steps ahead from his opponent. But Lydia wasn’t his opponent. She wasn’t some gang member he could out maneuver into submission. She was stronger than him in terms of intellect. Had similar experiences of seeing carnage and waste in the war. Had spent the years since alone and wishing things could be different. He didn’t know how to engage with that. Just as he was learning to love again, he was learning with the most formidable partner he could think of.

“Did you sleep well last night?” He placed his cap down onto the bar and watched as she kept herself busy.

“Not really.” She placed a glass in front of him. “Irish or Scotch?”

“Irish,” he replied. She grabbed the appropriate bottle and filled his glass. “That’s not why I asked you to the races.” He figured they would have to clear the air about Kimber and his plans eventually and Tommy would rather do it now. Perhaps she would be back on Watery Lane tonight if he moved fast enough to explain and apologize.

“I know that, Tommy. In the moment, the way he was looking at me and the way he was treating you...I was just so angry.”

“I was handling it.” He was upset that she had been feeling that way. That he had put her in that situation. He should’ve sent her home with the rest of the patrons. But he had been selfish, always wanting her nearby. “What did that man who came over here to speak with you want?” He had been dying to ask her.

“He’s from America. Knows my family. Was just asking about them.” She shrugged her shoulders but noticed Tommy’s eyes grow cold. He knew nothing about her family. It bothered him that a member of his enemy’s group would know more about Lydia than he did. That she didn’t trust him with the specifics of their conversation.

“When do I get to know your family?” Tommy emptied his whiskey down his throat and took a cigarette from his inside pocket.

“You want to?” Lydia thought that seemed like such an official thing. Back in France she was going to marry him without even telling her mother. But now she was thinking more sensibly. Had a clearer view of the world.

“My brothers are already referring to you as a Shelby. Only makes sense I return the favor and get to know yours.” Lydia felt her heart blossom in her chest. It sounded so intimate and permanent. Getting to know her family.

“Well, maybe when everything is done with Billy Kimber and Campbell, we can take a trip to America.” Tommy smiled when he saw how happy the idea had made her. He thinks life would feel pretty good if he was able to make her smile like that everyday. “My mother is going to fall in love with you. Probably squeeze your cheeks and make you eat every hour of the day and then her dog, oh gosh Dolly, she jumps a bit at first but then mellows out and-” She blushed as she realized she was rambling.

“I love you, Lydia Wilson,” Tommy whispered sincerely. It felt like he could fly now that the words were off his chest. She watched her tuck her lip between her teeth in an attempt to hide the excitement the words elicited within her.

“Come around the bar and tell me properly then.” Tommy strode around it quickly and pulled her against his chest as soon as she was within reach, her squeal of delight making him grin against her lips so wide it was hard to properly kiss her. “I love you, Thomas Shelby.” He cupped her face between both of his hands and held her lips to his until he needed to take a breath. Tommy knew that he had a meeting with IRA in only a few minutes. That Campbell was still looking for the guns. That he still thought Lydia was on his side. Things were complicated and messy and they were walking on eggshells. But he knows she makes him stronger. Gives him something real to fight for. And Tommy was going to fight to the death.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delicate business.

Lydia could have basked in the new glow of love that surrounded her and Tommy for the rest of her life. Just the two of them standing nose placing gentle kisses to each others lips. It was soft and sweet and safe and so unlike the real world that they found themselves living in.

“I have a meeting soon,” he murmured as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and let his hand rest there. 

“Do you need anything from me?” Lydia couldn’t help the bit of the thrill she got from being involved in the Blinder business. Not only did it show that she was capable of playing these games in a man’s world but it also showed she could fit in the Shelby’s world. She also thought that if Tommy would let her be involved then she could help to keep him safe. It didn’t take long to understand he didn’t have much of a regard for his own life.

“No, just work your shift like it’s a completely normal day,” he brought her hand to his mouth and placed a kiss to it, “afterwards we can go see a picture. Can probably get the room to ourselves if you’d like.” He grinned cheekily and she grinned right back. Tommy kissed her one last time on the forehead before dipping back into his private room. He wanted to show off the fact that he was happy and in love with the whole world but also keep her safe from those that would wish to use her in order to hurt him.

Lydia could clearly tell his business was with the Irish when she heard the thick accents of the men who walked into The Garrison. She knew Tommy was considering them for the guns he was still in possession of and also as allies against Campbell. The bruises on her wrist had healed but Tommy could still see them every time he looked. He would see them until Campbell paid for it. She pressed her ears to the thin wall that separated her from the meeting and listened, trying to understand as much as she could. Campbell had sent a messenger to her the night before. Telling her that if she didn’t start providing him information, he would terminate her. She believed him to be a man that followed through on his threats. She heard the man mention The Black Swan as a place where him and his men gathered. It wasn’t intelligence on guns or the Blinders but it was about the IRA. Perhaps that would be enough to satiate him.

Tommy came out shaking the man’s hand before turning to watch Lydia wiping down a glass. “Shall I tell Harry to give you the rest of the day off?” 

“Let me bring the garbage out and I will tell him myself.” 

“I can do it.” Tommy moved towards the bag of waste that sat at the end of the bar.

“I got it. Let me be somewhat useful and productive before I get stolen away,” she teased. Tommy smiled and pecked her quickly.

“Be fast. I’m not a patient man in general but knowing an empty theater with you awaits me does nothing to help the fact.” She laughed as she stepped out into the back alley where Harry had the waste collect before someone came to collect it.

“You enjoying spying on conversations, lass?” Lydia froze and looked to see one of the men Tommy had just been meeting with.

“I’m not sure what you mean, sir.”

“I know what pretty girls like you do in bars owned by men like him.” He produced a knife from the inside of his jacket. “Taking your tongue should keep you quiet.” Lydia ducked as he lunged at her, rolling away from the man but also farther from the door back into the pub. She grabbed the handle of a broom on the ground and blindly swung it at him as she continued to scramble backwards. One particularly hard swing to his wrist knocked the knife from his grasp. 

“Tommy!” she screamed. Just as the man bent down with his hands poised to enclose around her throat, she felt the knife in her fingertips. Without even thinking about it her hand grabbed the knife and plunged into her attackers neck. He looked at her with absolute shock on his face. Tommy appeared in the doorway as the man stumbled backwards with a hand to his neck and blood trickling between his fingers. 

Tommy was able to understand what had transpired within seconds and stalked over to the wounded man. He removed the knife from his neck and the bleeding increased. “I’ll make sure you bleed out slowly.” He dropped him before looking back at Lydia who had blood spattered across her face and blouse. She was breathing heavy and couldn’t look away from the man slumped against the wall.

“Did I kill him?” she whispered. She didn’t kill people. She helped them. As a nurse she had taken great pride in helping men who were wounded. In prolonging their life. Now she was responsible for ending one. Tommy crudely wiped his hand on his pants to get rid of the blood that had been on the knife when he grabbed it.

“Don’t look at him. Look at me. You protected yourself, yeah? Did what you had to do in order to keep yourself safe.” He shrugged off his coat and wrapped it around her shoulders, tucking her against her chest so she didn’t have to look at the dying man. “Let’s go home and get you cleaned up.”

Tommy brought Lydia to Watery Lane where he left her in the care of Polly before enlisting Arthur and John to help him dispose of the body. They didn’t even bother to bury it. The man didn’t deserve it. They threw him in The Cut instead.

“Where is she?” Tommy asked when he walked through the door and saw Polly drinking tea by the fire and Lydia nowhere in sight.

“Still having a good wash. She stopped shaking once all the blood was off. Asked me to burn her clothes.” Tommy looked to the fire and saw the pile of ash from her skirt and blouse.

“Thank you, Pol.” His aunt merely nodded as he took the stairs two at a time. He paused in front of the washroom. It would be wrong to just barge in like a bull in a china shop. She needed calm and support. Not a man on the edge with the gleam in his eye he got after a night of business. Tommy swallowed, rolled his shoulders and raised his hand to knock gently at the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me. Tommy.”

“Come in.” Lydia sat up straighter in the basin and took a deep breath as Tommy stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“Is the water warm enough?” he asked. She nodded. “I’m sorry that happened to you today. He’s been dealt with.”

“You have some blood on your face,” she said with a wave of her hand. Tommy sat down next to the basin as she moved a dap cloth to his cheek, tenderly wiping away the blood. He closed his eyes as she dropped her forehead to rest against his. “It had nothing to do with you, Tommy. He didn’t try to hurt me because of your feelings. He thought I was spying on your conversation with him. Wanted to keep me quiet.” Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew Tommy had been beating himself up over the incident. She knew he was blaming himself. Blaming his love for her. 

“It’s my job to keep you safe. I won’t let anything like that come close to happening ever again.” If it was the last thing he ever did, she would never feel hopeless like that ever again.

“Forever and ever?” she teased. She was absentmindedly scratched his scalp and it was making him feel sleepy.

“Forever and ever.”

\----

“Lydia, can you help me make breakfast?” She looked up from where she had been reading the paper on the couch to see young Finn Shelby looking distraught in the doorway to the kitchen. “I can’t reach the milk.” Lydia smiled. After Finn had knocked over the last glass bottle, Polly had taken to storing it beyond his reach.

“Of course, Finny.” She ruffled his hair as they both went back into the kitchen. “What if we make ourselves a nice proper breakfast?” Finn nodded excitedly. Lydia had decided to take a couple of days off from The Garrison in order to relax after the ordeal she had just been through. Tommy had tried to convince her to quit altogether but she needed something to do besides lurking around Watery Lane.

“I like my toast with extra butter,” Finn informed her a little while later as the two of them sat down with their proper English breakfast of beans, toast, eggs, bangers and tomato.

“Here you, sir,” Lydia said handing him back his piece of bread. Finn smiled wide before digging into his food.

“Thank you, Lydia. You should stay here forever,” he mumbled around a bite of his breakfast.

“Would you like that?” Now that things with her and Tommy were official, she was doing her best to be on the top of her game around his family. Their acceptance was incredibly important to whatever future they hoped to have together.

“You could be like my sister!” he pointed out happily. Lydia beamed with pride.

“I would love that very much, Finn.” She reached across the table and Finn met with halfway, letting her grab his hand and give it a loving squeeze.

“Lydia! Finn!” The gentle moment was broken as Ada came running frantically into the kitchen. “Have you seen Tommy?” Lydia shook her head, swallowing the bite of food she had in her mouth and wiping the residue off her fingers with a napkin.

“Is something wrong?” Ada’s tone was concerning. And it was natural in this family to need something from Tommy if things were going horribly wrong.

“I think him and Freddie are going to kill each other,” she groaned. Lydia stood and led the Shelby girl out of the kitchen so Finn could continue to eat his meal peacefully.

“Tommy probably just wants to scare him a little bit. You’re his little sister and deep down Tommy knows how you and Freddie feel about each other.” Tommy had mumbled late at night when they were in bed together and his guard was down that he wasn’t necessarily upset that his sister was married or pregnant. He was upset that Freddie and his lifestyle would prevent his sister from being happy, always. “Why don’t you take a seat, Ada?” Lydia was also thinking about the impending addition to the Shelby-Thorne cadre. All this stress and anxiety couldn’t be good for the little bub.

“I have to find them,” Ada muttered weakly as Lydia gently stroked her hair and her eyes felt heavier.

“Have a rest, Ada, I’ll handle your brother.”

\----

Tommy felt the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders when he entered Watery Lane to see Lydia minding the fire. Everyone else was off doing their own thing, Finn having been tucked in with chocolate on his face from the cookies they made, and she was enjoying the peace of the quiet and domesticity.

“This is a lovely sight to have at the end of the day.” After stumbling upon her in the alley yesterday, Tommy was just happy to see her sturdy and in one piece. The color on her cheeks was a good sign as was the pile of books on the center table.

“Did you have a good day?” 

“Stressful but better now.” Tommy was warmed by the mundane comfort someone asking how is day was brought. Normally people jumped down his throat as soon as they saw him. Lydia was patient. Took her time. It was what he needed. 

“Shall I poor us a drink?” She didn’t wait for his answer, taking two of the nice crystal glasses in the corner and filling them with an amber liquid, bringing them to him for a cheers. “I missed you today,” she mused after a sip.

“Did Finn behave?”

“Like an angel. I kept him fed and busy.”

“Well, we can’t be letting him get too used to it,” Tommy said, downing the rest of his drink and placing it on the mantle. He went behind Lydia and pulled her back to his chest, kissing the side of her neck.

“And why is that?”

“I’m going to get us out of here, one day. Buy us a beautifully big home in the country with lots of grass and fresh air.” Tommy began to sway the two of them from side to side. Lydia closed her eyes and relaxed into his touch and the soothing motions of his rocking. 

“I like the sound of all that. Our own little castle,” she mused. It sounded like a dream. She could live there in her head forever. “For the sake of our happy little future, Thomas, would you be able to cut your sister some slack?” Tommy pulled back from her ever so slightly.

“So she’s gotten to you.” It wasn’t a question but a statement of fact. He pulled himself away and went to pour another drink.

“She was so worried you and Freddie were going to kill each other today. She loves both of you and it hurts so deeply to see you aren’t getting along.” Tommy scoffed. 

“It’s because I love her that I won’t leave her be. Freddie has a target on his back and associating with him puts one on her as well.

“I just think, before the baby comes, everyone should try to work out their differences.” Lydia approached Tommy slowly and used her hand to direct his face so he was looking at her. “He loves her the same way you love me.”

“No. It’s very different. I would know when to walk away for your own safety.”

“And you know that I wouldn’t let you.”

“Because you’re stupidly stubborn,” he stated back, downing his drink all in one go.

“Because I love you. The same way she loves him. You’re just trying to delay the inevitable.” She softened her voice. Lydia knew Tommy loved his sister and was truly doing what he thought best. The thought warmed her heart.

“Perhaps I can consider loosening my ban on Freddie Thorne.” Lydia smiled.

“Tommy Shelby, going soft for love,” she teased.

“For the woman I love,” he clarified. Without a second thought, he reached forward and brought his fingertips to her waist, tickling in the same spot that made all of them laugh. Lydia squeaked and tried to push him away but it only spurred him further. Maybe Tommy was going soft. But only for her. Only around her. He thinks her love made him stronger. And he was going to need it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day at the races.

Lydia walked back from the dress shop with an extra spring in her step. Tomorrow her and Tommy would be going to the races and she had just found the most exquisite dress in the world to wear for it. Tommy had told her not to pick one that was red just because of Billy Kimber. That he didn’t want her standing out in the crowd like that. But Lydia knew the game that men like Billy and Tommy played. She knew the races were a backdrop for something bigger than she was yet able to understand. If wearing a red dress and batting her eyelashes made Kimber a bit more amenable to her Thomas then a red dress she would wear.

“That happy to be out of The Garrison?” Polly asked as Lydia arrived back on Watery Lane.

“No, I don’t mind the pub most of the time. I just went and got my dress for Cheltenham.” Lydia placed the box in front of Polly, her fingers moving delicately to look at the red number.

“Oh, it’s beautiful. Tommy might fall over when he sees you in it.” Lydia beamed with the happiness that she had gotten Polly’s approval on her choice. Polly was a natural in the world of the Peaky Blinders. Lydia was doing everything to try and learn from her in the hopes one day she would fit in just as seamlessly.

“I just hope he’s not too distracted by business tomorrow that we don’t get to actually have fun and spend time together,” Lydia sighed as she put the box back together. She had heard horror stories from some of her friends how their husbands never had time for them or their children because of their businesses. And to think Tommy’s line of work was more time consuming than normal and what that might mean for their future worried her some nights.

“Tommy makes time for the things he cares about. Finds a balance when he really wants to, when he knows what is truly important. You’re truly important to him. I can see it in his eyes.” Polly had seen it in his soul is what she really wanted to say. Her gypsy blood had shown her the strength of the tether between her nephew and the woman in front of her. It was stronger than anything she had ever seen.

“Thank you for indulging me, Polly. You know him better than anyone. There are a lot of gaps between the two of us that need to be filled I suppose,” Lydia said with a shrug of her shoulders. Polly knew Tommy before and after the war. Lydia knew him during. Perhaps between the two of them they could piece the puzzle of him together. 

Polly reached across the table to held onto Lydia’s hand. “You betray this family and I’ll cut you myself.” Lydia stiffened at the abrupt change in tone. She thought things had been going well between her and the matriarch ever since their initially awkward interaction. 

“Polly, I wouldn’t-”

“I have to say it. One day you’ll have to too.” Polly’s gaze was cold but her intentions warm. She knew she would be passing along a torch to Lydia one day. She had to make sure the girl had a spine of steel. Could cut through any and all emotions to do what needed to be done or say what needed to be said. Even to Tommy.

“Of course,” Lydia whispered. “I should go hide my dress somewhere before Tommy gets back. I want to get all dolled up before he sees me in it. The full effect and all.” She stood slowly and hugged the box to her chest. Just as she had stepped onto the first stair Polly called her name.

“Before Thomas gives you his last name in the eyes of the law, there are things you have to learn to be comfortable with. And things you have to learn to say no too. Tomorrow, at the races, will be your first chance to practice.” Lydia swallowed the lump in her throat but nodded in agreement nonetheless. She often thought how heavy Tommy’s crown must be but she had never thought about the weight of her own.

\----

Tommy had never seen Lydia’s routine for a formal event. It was the smell of rose petals that woke him the morning of Cheltenham. She looked to be damp from a bath as she waltzed back into his bedroom, a silk robe adorning her frame and her hair in curlers.

“How long have you been up?” he asked groggily as he sat up. 

“Just long enough to get started. I didn’t want to slow you down.” She grabbed her lotion from the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. Tommy reached out his hand for the pot which she handed to him, swinging her legs so her feet rest near his chest. The lotion smelled floral as he took a dollop onto his fingers. He made a mental note to ask Lydia which specific flower it was later. He liked it. 

He rubbed his hands together before he took her foot and ran his thumbs on the bottom in soft, circular motions. The skin was already soft and delicate but the lotion made it even more supple as he massaged it in. “I don’t want you to be worried about today,” he whispered as he kissed the bottom of her foot. 

“I feel like it’s our debut to polite society.” She wanted to put her best foot forward. No doubt if any strand of hair was out of place or wrinkle in her dress unsmoothed, her mother would be alerted and be disappointed. She wanted to look good not just for Tommy and not just for his family and their business but for hers as well. Chances were if one of Kimber’s henchmen recognized her, more at Cheltenham would as well. Especially those that were part of high society and travelled abroad to America.

“This is not polite society, I can promise you that,” he scoffed as he turned his attention to her other foot.

“Still. I haven’t been on your arm outside of Birmingham yet.” Tommy hummed in acknowledgement. To him it meant that more people would now know of his weakness. Of the woman he would do anything to protect. “I’m excited to be. All the girls around here flash you a bit more leg than I find appropriate it.” Lydia thinks she was as high a risk to fight in the streets as one of the Shelby’s brothers if one more lady of the night tried to seduce Tommy while she was standing right next to him.

“I only have eyes for these legs,” he whispered as he slid his hands to her knees, Lydia sitting up so she was straddling him.

“You’re a very smooth talker, Mr. Shelby,” she said with a smile as she draped her arms around his neck. Tommy nipped at her jawline.

“It’s my gypsy blood,” he replied which had a giggle bubbling from her lips.

“I want to learn more about your gypsy side.” She had been meaning to talk to him about it for awhile but hadn’t found the right chance. Polly was always talking about her gypsy intuition and Tommy was also speaking Romani with his brothers. It didn’t help the nagging voice in the back of her mind that kept reminding her she was an outsider.

“Yeah? It’s gotten away from me a bit since the business has taken off. Was me mother that really embodied it.” His eyes turned from a sexual hunger to a loving softness. Lydia might even call it adoration.

“I want to learn about all your nooks and crannies, Tommy. I know it’s hard for you to accept my love or accept that you’re deserving of it, but you are. I am here. I’ll always be here. By your side at races and meetings and no matter who you’re up against, I’m with you.” She held his face between her hands. “You’re my future, Thomas.” He kissed her because he didn’t know how to tell her how hard he’d have to work to make sure they had the chance to have a future.

\----

“The car only seats four, Tommy,” Curly said with more than a hint of worry to his voice. He had been fixing up the vehicle for Tommy so he could show up with a bit more class about him than usual.

“No need, Curly. Just me and my girl.” Tommy held Lydia’s hand as she stepped up into the car.

“No men, Tommy? Don’t you want to come back alive?” Tommy looked at him with a deadly glare at the same time Lydia looked at him in alarm.

“Tommy what on earth are you up to today?” She had expected shady business dealings but not a near death experience.

“Have a nice day, Curly.” Tommy tipped his cap, completely ignoring the woman now on edge to his side and drove off down the road.

\----

“Is it normal for well-respected businessmen to sneak in through the back?” Lydia asked with a heavy dose of skepticism. Tommy had a vice like grip on her hand and was pulling, or dragging, her through the crowd of people. “Are we even allowed back here?”

“I prefer it, actually. I can’t stand the petty criminals that lurk around the front gate.” She couldn’t help the laugh that barked out of her. 

“And I know you’re deadly serious about that.” She tried to take in everything around her. It was a different world than the one she was used to back home in New York. People were wearing bright colors and hats and dancing like they didn’t have a care in the world. She was enamored. “Do I get to lay a bet?” She had been to the races before but only in an official capacity with her family which meant being seen around the betting area was forbidden. 

“Of course not. It’s a fixed race.”

“How does one fix a race?” Lydia asked with genuine curiosity. Tommy brought her to a stop at the edge of the balcony that looked over the dance floor. 

“How would I know?” Lydia knew that Tommy knew. Knew that had participated in making sure certain horses won or that certain horses lost. But she didn’t like the tone that he was using to speak to her.

“Sorry for asking,” she muttered as she plucked a glass from a waiter walking by and took a step to the left to put more distance between her and her companion.

“Hey, hey, look at me.” Tommy held her hand and whispered the words to her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been short with you like that. I’m nervous,” he divulged to her. Lydia smiled up at him.

“That means it matters to you,” she whispered back, “and I know you fight for what matters. Everything will be fine.” It would have been near impossible for Tommy not to believe her with the way she was looking at him and the way her fingertips felt against his cheek. He met her lips halfway, capturing her bottom lip between his and gently pulling on it with his teeth.

“I am happy you’re here with me. Regardless of what happens.”

“I love you,” she murmured against his lips. She kept the affectionate words just between them. Tommy had warned her that everyone around them could be working against them. Tommy felt torn two ways. One was focused on the mission he was there to accomplish and the other focused on spending time with her and protecting her. Each felt heavy on his shoulders.

“I love you too,” he whispered back. He leaned forward to press one last kiss on her forehead but was met with the side of her head she turned towards the band with a gasp.

“Do you remember this song? They played it that night we snuck out of the hospital.”

“Do you still like dancing?” he asked softly.

“Are you asking me?” Tommy offered her his hand which she took with a smile. Once they reached the dance floor, he held her hand higher and placed his hand dangerously low on her back. “You were too nervous to do that back in France,” she teased.

“Was trying to impress you with my manners.” He lifted their arms and spun her around before catching her in a dip. Lydia laughed gleefully and pressed herself even closer to him once she was back on her feet firmly.

“You haven’t lost your steps at least,” she beamed. 

“We’re going a little bit off book for this next round,” he said as his eyes zeroed in on something over her shoulder. “Don’t tell him your real name.”

“Too late. One of his men already knows it. Would make you seem too dishonest,” she reasoned. Tommy was slowly moving them to the beat in the direction Billy Kimber and his men. Other dancers were looking at them with confusion but Lydia merely smiled back at them politely.

“Your body looks even better in that red dress than I thought it would.” Tommy paused them in front of the table as Kimber’s voice reached them. 

“Thank you, Mr. Kimber.” Begrudgingly, Tommy let Lydia pull away from him to stand at the table. 

“Wear that to my pub the next time you go out on the town.” She controlled the shiver that wanted to run through her spine at the way he was looking at her. It was the feeling of Tommy standing as close to her as he could that helped her keep steady. Tommy took the lead from there after she provided him his opening, informing Mr. Kimber that the Peaky Blinders had overrun his security down on the tracks.

“I’d like to propose the Peaky Blinders as your future security, Mr. Kimber. In return we get five percent of the take every race North of the River Severn, six percent after the first year if you are satisfied with our service.” Tommy waited for his answer. 

“I think while you talk business with my accountant, I’d like to have a dance with this girl.”

“What if we talk about business over dinner?” Tommy offered quickly. The idea of Lydia dressing for Kimber had been merely tolerable but the idea of his hands on her, that was unacceptable.

“We’ll go ahead and get the music started while you two follow,” Kimber replied back as he stood abruptly. Lydia quickly flickered her eyes to Tommy.

“Mr. Kimber-” Tommy started.

“What’re we waiting for? Could’ve been halfway to your house by now,” Lydia spoke cheerfully. She tried not to look at Tommy as she took the arm Kimber offered her. Her resolve might have broken if she did.

“I’ll be right behind you.” He was saying it for both Lydia and Kimber. His heart was beating out of his chest as he watched her walk away with him. For the first time in awhile, Tommy Shelby felt completely out of control.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't have me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vague smut warning

“I bet he said you could have me while he had her.” Tommy had been staring intently at Kimber’s house which he was parked in front of. He was trying to put a bit of distance between Lydia’s arrival and his. He couldn’t go in there guns blazing and light the entire business deal on fire.

“Something like that,” he mumbled in response.

“I was a milliner when he found me. A good one. I made this hat.” 

“It’s a very pretty hat,” he obliged. It made him think about Lydia. About all he had watched her accomplish while in France. The countless lives she had saved including his own. And now she was a barmaid in a dirty town being dragged to shady events on his arm and volunteering to be alone in rooms with slimy men because she loved Tommy. He flicked his cigarette out the car window. He was not going to be responsible for her giving up on her dreams.

“Is she a prostitute?” 

“No. She’s an angel.”

\----

Lydia had to admit that Billy Kimber’s house was nice. Apparently the race business was more profitable that she could have ever dreamed of. He led her into a grand room with a gramaphone in the corner. Eagerly he helped her out of her coat and put on one of the slowest songs she had ever heard.

“This is too slow to have a fun dance to. Put on a Charleston,” she said with a forced smile as he grabbed at her waist roughly. She had grown accustomed to the smell of cigarettes that followed Tommy wherever he went. Had grown to love it and seek comfort in it. But on Kimber it made her stomach flip into nauseous knots. Made her arch her head as far away from him as it would possibly go.

“I want to be close to you. Have you ever been in a house this big? I bet you have. Look like a bloody film star I bet all the men want a piece of you.” She watched his eyes close as he leaned forward with puckered lips.

“May I get some air, Mr. Kimber?” she asked politely as she pushed her hands against his chest. He took one step back with a roll of his eyes and went to the glass of whisky he had poured for himself. After he finished it, he dropped his glass onto the floor and watched as it broke into tiny pieces.

“Pick it up.” She froze. This was a power play. He got off on belittling women. “I want to watch you bend down and pick it up you little slag.” 

“I’m off the clock. I don’t clean up after adult men when they aren’t paying me to,” she spoke through gritted teeth. Where on earth was Tommy? Surely the agreed upon time she had to spend alone with him was nearing to an end. Lydia walked over to the table to pick up her purse and gloves. She’d wait out the rest of her time in the restroom.

“Listen here. I tried to be nice, but if you don’t do what I ask when I will force you.” She felt him come up behind her but she wasn’t quick enough to turn around.

“What-No!” she screamed as she felt his hands wrap around her thighs and begin to travel under her skirt. Lydia grabbed a shard of glass from the table she was bent over and swung her arm wildly, Kimber falling backwards just as the door banged open and Tommy came running through.

“What the fuck are you doing? I still have time on our deal!” 

“I was going to let you go through with it but she has the clap. She looks good from the outside but believe me…” Tommy trailed off and let Kimber’s mind go wild with what he could possibly be talking about. “I thought I could use her but call it my conscious getting the better of me. Couldn’t let you go through with it.” Lydia dropped the piece of glass she had been prepared to use as a weapon and squared her shoulders before marching towards the door. She walked right past Tommy without even a look. God did she feel stupid. She knows she put herself in that position but how stupid of her to do so. To believe accompanying Tommy on this excursion would be any sort of positive experience for her.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Just start the car and drive,” she instructed as he slid behind the wheel and turned to talk to her. He respected her wishes and kept silent as they drove back to Birmingham. She didn’t even take his hand once they pulled back into Charlie’s yard to return the car. Even Curly kept quiet when he saw them. He could sense the tension between the two though he was happy to see that both returned in one piece. Physically at least.

“Will you talk to me now?” he asked quietly once he had shut the door to his bedroom behind them. Lydia sat down at the desk by his window and began to remove her gloves and pearl necklace. It had been her grandmother’s. And she had whored herself out in it.

“Can I have a drink first?” Tommy stood quickly and poured her one, kneeling next to the chair she sat in before handing it to her.

“At least just tell me if I made it before anything...happened.” She tipped her head back and felt better as the alcohol burned down her throat.

“Yes. I would’ve killed him before he had the chance to do anything.” He wanted to touch her but didn’t want her to reject him. He thinks that would’ve killed him. “But I can still feel his hands on my thighs,” she whispered like it was a secret. She lifted the skirt of her dress ever so slightly. Tommy knows it was his mind playing tricks but he swears he could see Kimber’s hands on the sacred skin of her legs.

“What can I do to make it go away?” He placed his hands where he thinks Kimber’s had been in the hopes she would feel his touch instead.

“I need to feel you. All over. I need you to claim me so I will never even be looked at by another man like that ever again.” He nodded as a lump appeared in his throat.

“You’re mine and I’m yours,” he said as she knocked her forehead against his. 

“Make love to me, Thomas.” She needed to feel every inch of him against her. Needed to come together with him as one in a way they hadn’t since their last night together in France. In a way that she would never experience with man other than him after tonight. Breathlessly, Tommy began to oblige her request. He parted his lips against hers and tried to convey all he could in the gesture. He was trying to show his love for her, his appreciation for her, his commitment to her. But he was also telling her how sorry he was that her love for him put her in this predicament. That he was sorry he couldn’t promise there wouldn’t be more days like today.

He moved from her lips to the curve of her jaw, sucking on the skin behind her ear that he recently learned was a sensitive spot. “I love learning about you,” he mumbled as he trailed down her neck. Tommy hoped he would always be learning about her. That Lydia would always be surprising him and growing with him and showing new corners previously unseen.

“Are you making a little map in your head?” she breathed, tilting her head back so Tommy had unfettered access to her skin.

“I thought had an accurate one from France but it’s in need of updating.” She giggled but then frowned when he pulled away from her completely and stood. Tommy offered her his hand which she took. He pulled her against his chest in the name of simply admiring her for a few moments. “I never want to forget how you look right now. How I feel right now.” 

“Life will bruise us, Tommy, but never break us.” Lydia was sure of that. They didn’t go through what they went through in France and find their way back together just for an angry bookie or temperamental copper to ruin things. She moved her fingers down the buttons of his shirt with ease, helping him slide it off his shoulders before kissing the freckles that were now exposed to her on his pale skin.

“Please tell me this is not one of those complicated dresses I will never be able to get off you without tearing it,” he muttered as she turned around for him with a smile.

“Just a little bow on the top but the undergarments…”

“Jesus, the undergarments,” he exclaimed as the dress pooled at her feet but her brassiere and underwear remained intact. To Tommy they actually looked quite constraining. “How did you dance in these?”

“Years of breathing practice. While you were out learning to shoot, I was learning the art of short breaths and bladder control.” He appreciated that she looked quite proud to have mastered the skills of a traditional, upper class lady. But he remembered her stunt with the revolver in the kitchen. She knew how to shoot too. 

She kissed him, bringing him back to the task at hand. As Tommy’s fingers found the front laces of her corset, her fingers brushed over the front of his trousers. He sucked in a breath at the fleeting moment of contact. “Your touch is dangerous.”

“I’d prefer to touch you without this nuisance,” she replied with a snark as she pulled the waistband of his pants and let it snap against his skin. Somehow that felt even better for Tommy. He obliged her request, removing his bottoms and undershirt while she fiddled with the laces of her corset and finally freed herself. They kissed more fervently now. Both of her hands were on the back of his head and holding him to her. One of his hands pressed against her back and the other hitching her thigh around his waist. 

She was warm and willing and needed him. And it felt good to know that, after today, she wasn’t repulsed by him. That was still here. Still interested in having a future with him. No matter what that might entail. “Shall we lie down, Mr. Shelby?” she whispered against his lips. Tommy twirled a strand of her hair around his finger.

“One day you’ll be Mrs. Shelby,” he replied, taking her hand from his cheek and kissing the inside of her wrist.

“You’ll have to earn me.” She said it with a smile but she meant it. Just because she loved Tommy does not mean that he had her forever and without question. He’d have to prove himself every day. That he could be the man she deserved. 

Lydia pulled away and lied down on the bed, using her elbows to lift her back off the mattress so she could watch Tommy approach her hungrily. He went for the insides of her thighs first. Touching. Kissing. Biting. Lydia wasn’t one for begging but he was on the verge of bringing her to that point. “Tommy, please.”

“Almost done.” He hadn’t been kidding earlier when he mentioned needing to update his map. Every mark he left in his wake was a tether point. For the future, he knew exactly the keys to play for the melody to sing throughout the room. But the natural perfume of her was too intoxicating for him to avoid any longer. He gave into his most carnal desire and brought his lips to where she was dripping with need for him.

His hands pressing against her hips weren’t strong enough to control the writhing of her hips as he worshipped between her legs. He had wanted to watch her but the feeling was all too consuming of himself as well. Her moans and pants and gasps of his name were enveloping him in a warmth he hadn’t known existed until this moment. He drank from her like it was nectar. Lapping up every slick drop that rolled down her thighs as she crashed over the edge of pleasure into his waiting mouth. “Fuck, Thomas, why didn’t we do that last time?” Lydia had a hazy smile on her face, the one you get when in the presence of someone you’re deliciously in love with.

“I distinctly remember trying and you telling me that proper ladies weren’t to be seen down there by strange men.” Tommy clambered up to hover over her. Her cheeks were flushed and the tiny hairs around the perimeter of her face were stuck to her skin. She looked like a goddess. And she was all his. And he was all hers.

“Good thing I’ve gotten over that proper lady phrase.” Tommy dropped so he could kiss her. Lydia moaned at the new taste on his lips. It was feminine and masculine and made her feel like she was dancing among the stars. Previously all her sexual encounters had felt ritualistic. Like they were a necessary step in the progression of her evening. This felt like a puzzle finding it’s last piece. She saw the whole picture once Tommy slid inside of her. They didn’t bother themselves with trying to be quiet. It felt like they had been suppressing these feelings since they last parted. Nothing was going to stop them again. 

“Fuck, Lydia, you feel like heaven.” Tommy knew there was no place for him up there. But perhaps he could experience it down here, with her, while he had the chance. He ducked his head and sucked her nipple into his mouth, her back arching to meet his touch.

“Faster.” She could everything building up inside of her and teetering on the edge of eternal bliss. There was something about experiencing this with him that made her believe it might all actually work out. That if they had this place to retreat to at the end of the day, they’d be safe. They’d be okay. “Stay inside me, Thomas,” she whispered as his moans began to grow longer and his hips tightening with each thrust into her.

“Lydia, I-”

“Give it all to me, Tommy. I can take it.” She meant it. In every sense that it could be construed. She wanted to shoulder his burdens. His pain. The nightmares that visited and the ones that wouldn’t leave. She wanted his love. Wanted his affection, no matter how sparingly he deemed it safe enough to dish out. She wanted his future. Wanted to be his future. Forge their own path of the family tree. 

He stilled with his mouth agape, fighting every urge to keep his eyes open to gaze into hers. He would never know the words to explain what was dancing inside of him but he thinks he could show her. He thinks her heart and soul could read his without a map. In his eyes was love and promises that if he said allowed, he’d be too sad when he broke. There were secrets in his hands and on his lips as he kissed her again. There were apologies in his chest as they tangled together, sweaty and blissed out and too warm to even need a quilt. There was hope in his breath as he whispered his love and she whispered it back. And that night, there were dreams. Not a nightmare on the horizon.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll tell you where to find me.

They couldn’t get close enough to each other even in their sleep. Still nude from the night before but now wrapped in a thick quilt, Tommy’s hands were resting on her bum and her arms were wrapped around his waist. Lydia’s head fit perfectly underneath his chin and her nose tickled his throat ever so slightly as she took deep breaths during the night. Both of them knew they’d be the luckiest pair in the world if they were allowed to wake up like this everyday for the rest of their lives. Maybe only putting space between them for a little one.

Tommy had planned on taking his time this morning. He was in no rush to escape the warmth of her embrace or the sight of her body free of any barriers to his sight. He was planning to wake her up with his head between her thighs. Planning to eat a lazy breakfast with her. Have a cup of tea or whatever she wanted by the fire. Discuss a couple stories from the morning paper. But that was before the frantic beating on his door scared him half to death.

“Jesus Christ!” he yelled at whoever it was, Lydia startling awake in his arms. Unconsciously, they grabbed at each other; both of them thinking it was a threat and both trying to shield the other with their body.

“Family meeting, Tom!” That was John’s voice. Their muscles relaxed as they recognized it. 

“Sounds important,” Lydia grumbled, her voice still thick with sleep. Her eyes were heavy too as she snuggled back down under the covers.

“It better be. Him banging on the door like a mad man.” As much as he didn’t want to, Tommy rose from bed. He understood his responsibilities. 

“Well, make sure he keeps it short. I want to cuddle some more.” Outside the quilt looked cold and uninviting to her. Underneath it she was still trapped in dream world. The warmth of the inbetween. Lydia wanted to float there awhile longer.

“What do you mean? You’re coming. Get your little bum out of bed.” Tommy paused buttoning his sleeves to give her a stern look. She needed to learn the ins and outs of this family and this business sooner rather than later. An emergency family meeting was as good a place to start as any.

“I’m not family,” she replied with her own stern look.

“You are because I say you are. There’s a learning curve around here and I need you to be ahead of it.” Lydia sat up, clutching the quilt to her chest.

“They don’t want me there.” She thought of the way Polly had all but warned her of what it meant to be a woman at the head of the Shelby family. 

“Not that their opinions fucking matter but you know Arthur and John would do anything for you without asking. Finn thinks you were sent from the sun. You’re the sister Ada always wanted to trade us in for. And Polly means well. She just wants to make sure you have the backbone of steel required to be a woman in this world.” 

“And you?” Lydia teased as he took a breath from his speech.

“Me?”

“Do you want me there? Do you view me as good enough to be a part of your family?” Tommy sat on the edge of the bed and anchored his hand around the back of her head. He pulled her lips against his for a kiss that acted like a brand.

“You’re not just part of my family. You are my family.” Their love felt like a starting point for so much more. So many more branches of the Shelby tree that they were going to create together. “Now come to the meeting and help me talk some sense into John since I am sure that is where the conversation is headed.”

\----

Lydia was fully aware of the eyes on her as she held Tommy’s hand walking into The Garrison and then the stares intensified as she followed him into the private room. He helped her out of her coat, hanging it on a hook before pulling out her chair and standing behind it once she was situated. Lydia sat tall and proud. It was the only way to hide the pounding of her heart and the nervous twitch in her fingers. 

Polly looked at Tommy standing behind the woman with the hint of a smile. He looked even more powerful with his hand resting on her shoulder, Lydia’s delicately gloved hand resting over his. True love meant you drew strength from the person you were in love with. That was clearly what Polly, Arthur and John were witnessing before them.

“Tell us what’s troubling you, John,” Polly started once it seemed everyone was settled.

“You all know how hard it has been for me since Martha died. My kids have been running bloody rings around me. Running barefoot with the dogs until the sun rises.”

“Polly, open the safe and give him some extra money for shoes then,” Tommy remarked without a shred of emotion in his voice.

“Tommy, we’d be better of without you if that is all you have to offer,” Lydia replied as she looked back at him with a raised brow. “Ignore him, John, what is it that you and your children need?” John looked up at Tommy as if he was asking his permission to speak to Lydia on this matter. 

“They need a mother. Which is why I have decided to get married.”

“Does this girl know you plan on marrying her?”

“I’ve proposed and she agreed.”

“Why do I feel like a landmine is about to go off?” Arthur muttered as his hand tightened around his glass.

“It’s Lizzie Stark.” Lydia knew the name but didn’t have near the reaction that the rest of the family did as they tried to conceal their sniggers but failed miserably. “Don’t say it,” John spoke in warning.

“Say what?” Tommy egged on. “Say what she is? A whore? A prostitute?” Lydia had already scolded him once and she didn’t want to push it by doing it again.

“If anyone calls her a whore again I will shove my revolver down their throat and shoot their heart out!” John threatened.

“Men and their cocks,” Lydia heard Polly muttered as she took an extra long sip of whisky.

“She loves me. And Tommy, I won’t do it without your blessing.” Tommy didn’t respond, only taking a drag of his cigarette. “I need someone. She needs someone.”

“You can’t marry Lizzie Stark.”

“Tommy-”

“Because she’s still working.” His hand wasn’t on Lydia’s shoulder anymore but if it had been he might have felt her blood run cold. Felt her muscles tense. Felt the vibrating of her brain as it spun at one million miles a minute. He didn’t have to say how he knew.

“I think I need some fresh air,” Lydia whispered. She looked like a ghost. There was no more flush from love on her cheeks and the trembling in her hands had ceased. There was only one source of anxiety she could focus on at once and the family meeting had been usurped. Tommy didn’t even try and stop her as she rose from her seat and exited the private room. He didn’t know what he would say to her if he did. 

“What the fuck was that, Tom?” John asked with tears of embarrassment threatening to spill from his eyes. He had been too wrapped up in the world of pretend he had created with Lydia. It was backfiring right in his face and he couldn’t help but think he deserved it.

\----

Lydia was planning on walking back to her flat when she heard the giggles of a little boy coming from the garage. She looked and saw Finn sitting in the driver’s seat of Tommy’s car, making the sounds of a car speeding down the road and honking at those that got into his way. 

“What’re you up to over here, Finny?” she asked with a smile as she rested her elbows on the door.

“I’m just like Tommy!” Her smile faltered but she recovered it quickly. So many people loved Tommy. She wondered why he had such a hard time accepting it. Had such a hard time seeing it and still put himself in such danger even though he knew how many people it would devastate. “Let me drive you to the shops to get some sweets,” Finn offered. Lydia chuckled and walked around to the passenger side, the door handle not budging. Finn must have climbed in she thought. After looking around to make sure no one would see her improperly climbing into the car, she did so and settled next to Finn. 

“Let’s go get our sweets!” she cheered as she reached over and pretended to honk the car horn. Finn giggled and pretended to take off like a mad man down the road. Lydia was having fun chit-chatting with Finn, pointing out people along the way or mentioning how good the bakery smelled on their drive passed when Tommy came barreling around the corner into the garage.

“Finn? Finn!” He froze when he saw his brother tucked into Lydia’s side. “Lydia! Stay exactly where you are!”

“We are getting sweets, Tommy. I’m you!” Finn moved the wheel a few times for good measure.

“What’s wrong, Tommy?” Lydia asked with a furrowed brow, her anger at him forgotten at the look on his face. Her hands reached for Finn and pulled him tightly into her side subconsciously. 

“I need you both to get out exactly the same way you got in. Erasmus Lee has laid a trap that was meant for me but you two…” Lydia swallowed thickly. This was exactly the kind of trouble pretending to be Tommy Shelby would get you into.

“Did you hear him, Finny? You have to climb out just like you climbed in.” She nodded in encouragement at the young boy, slowly sliding towards him as a way to urge him along. “Tommy, come help him down.” Tommy took one step towards the car to help his brother when little Finn reached for the handle.

“No!” Tommy screamed as he heard a click and then a boom. The car erupted into flames and the door swung open, his arms grabbing Finn and pulling him just as Lydia was throwing herself on top of him for protection. The three landed on the garage floor with a hard thud and a ringing in their ears. 

“Finn, are you alright?” Lydia asked groggily as she tried to stop the world from spinning around her. 

“Finn, go warn Polly that Lydia’s been hurt and I am bringing her back to Watery Lane for help.” Not needing to be told twice, Finn took off at a sprint down the road. “Stop that, stay put,” Tommy ordered as Lydia was trying to stand.

“I’m supposed to be mad at you,” she whispered as she settled back down, “even though it was before me.” Tommy sighed as she leaned her back against his chest.

“I deserve your anger or disappointment. I deserve all of it. I should have told you sooner. Told all of you sooner.” 

“Tommy I don’t feel so good,” she groaned as she felt vomit rising in her throat.

“Hey, hey, keep those pretty eyes open for me. Let’s get you to Polly and a warm bed, yeah?” He slid one arm under her legs and cradled her to his chest as he began to make the trek towards Watery Lane.

“Tommy?”

“Yes?”

“I still love you.” He smiled at her sadly. The happiness blossoming in his chest felt wholly undeserved. 

“One day, it’s all going to be okay. The two of us can run away from here.” There were too many ghosts in Birmingham for Tommy’s liking. He wanted to go somewhere he didn’t have to constantly be looking over his shoulder.

“New York. I want to take you to New York.”

“Then that’s where we’ll go.” He nuzzled his nose against hers as they slowly approached Watery Lane. Tommy had always felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, but now he had the weight of his world in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am fielding ideas for what you guys might like to see in the two year gap so send them in!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got her forever

It was difficult for Lydia to sneak away from Tommy after the events with the car. Luckily, she had had the help of Polly. Polly was beginning to get nervous for the safety of Ada and her unborn child if she kept down the path of trusting Freddie and not looking out for herself first and foremost. Which is why Polly had slipped Lydia a piece of information. The address of Stanley Chapman.

“I could use this for a bargain perhaps,” Lydia murmured around her teacup of whisky. She thinks that is what Polly was getting at but she wanted to make sure before she went to pass it along.

“I think that is what any woman with a head on her shoulders would do,” Polly hummed in agreement. So it was settled. Polly created a crisis at the betting shop big enough to pull Tommy from his current role of nurse to Lydia, then she quietly slipped away to meet with Campbell.

“Your message said you have an address for me,” Campbell stated without any warmth behind his voice as he watched Lydia appear in the statue hall.

“The address of Stanley Chapman.” Lydia pulled the piece of paper from her purse and handed it to the Inspector. He merely looked at it.

“I asked for Freddie Thorne.”

“This is instead of Freddie Thorne.” Campbell rolled his eyes and walked ahead of her by a few steps.

“No deal.”

“He’s a bigger fish than Freddie. He has cash on him right this moment that is a gift from the Russian Government.” That got his attention. Lydia leaned into. “If he talks, you’ll have proof.”

“Have you dirtied yourself so much in Tommy Shelby’s sheets that you are now risking yourself to protect that nasty family?” Campbell reached for the paper but Lydia quickly pulled it back from his reach.

“You let Ada and Freddie leave the city.”

“Very well.” Lydia let him grab the paper. “You should know, Miss Wilson, that Mr. Churchill is getting quite impatient. If the guns take any longer to materialize, then I fear I may be replaced. And my replacement may not be as amenable to your requests.” She held his stare unwavering.

“And you say this for my sake?” She felt safe in Birmingham now. She knew what Tommy and his family were capable. If she lost the protection of Campbell, Tommy would protect her better than he ever could anyways.

“I would do things that would shame the devil on my last day. Starting by making sure that scum lover of yours has his head stoved in with a shovel or mallet. His sister and her unborn child wouldn’t be spared. I’d spare the littlest one. Shove him into an adult prison where men have an appetite for little boys like him. Don’t make it so my decision comes before yours,” he finished. Lydia tightened her hand around the handle of the pistol in her purse but didn’t pull it out.

“Need I remind you, Mr. Campbell, how far over even Winston Churchill’s head my stepfather can go?” she whispered back menacingly. He merely held her gaze until she got sick of looking at him, Lydia turning around and holding her head high as she left the scene. Polly would handle delivering the news of the deal to Ada and Freddie along with the funds for them to take a train out of Birmingham and far, far away. If she could leverage this horrid deal with Campbell to the benefit of her newfound family, then that is what she was going to do.

\----

“Gentleman and my lady,” Tommy said with a nod and smile in the direction of Lydia, “I have in my hand the first legal betting license for the Shelby family.” He offered the crowd one of his most genuine smiles as they erupted into cheers and applause. Lydia giggled against his lips as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her in for a happy, celebratory kiss.

“You’re a real business, Thomas,” she whispered with a smile. They pulled their faces away but kept their bodies close. “Congratulations.” She hadn’t been there physically every step of the way but she had always been in the back of Tommy’s mind. He was always working to honor her memory in some way. Honor the sacrifice he thought she had made at the hospital in France.

“A man deserving of meeting your mother?” Lydia looked at him quizzically.

“Where did that come from?”

“Turning parts of the business legitimate, it’s not for me. It’s for you. It’s for us. I know this isn’t the world you grew up in. Probably isn’t the world you imagined yourself living in but I want to change that if I can. Make my life a place you feel like you belong. Make my company feel like something you can support and be a part of.” Tommy knew having one piece of his business being honest did not make him an honest man. But it was a step in that direction. He didn’t want his future with Lydia to have to operate underground. She deserved to be able to stand proudly in the light.

“Oh, Tommy, I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you needed to change in order for me to be proud of you or to show you off.” If only she had known he was harboring these feelings about not being adequate enough to meet her family and take a place officially in her life. She would have quelled those fears instantly.

“When I reach the top of the mountain, I want you standing there beside me.”

“There is no place I would rather be.” They sealed their promise with a kiss.

\----

“Arthur these cigarettes smell like they’ve gone rotten in transit,” Lydia said as her face scrunched up at the odor. “They have bite marks too like rats have gotten to them.” She carried the box she had opened over to the bar where the newest owner of The Garrison sat looking through papers.

“All the wharves have rats,” he replied simply.

“Can we find a better way to transit our products then? So we can spend money on better quality items?” Arthur didn’t answer her, just continuing to tap against the paper. “Tommy mentioned taking more of the business legal. Starting small, here in The Garrison, seems like a good plan.”

“Tommy also doesn’t want you involved in the operations of the Shelby family that aren’t legal so keep your questions about the cigarettes to yourself.” Lydia rolled her eyes in frustration. Of course Tommy was now spreading his over protective nature to his brothers. He was creating a shield around her that she did not ask for.

“I just want to help where I can. Not feel like dead weight around here.” Ever since she was old enough to, Lydia had been striving for independence. She worked when she didn’t have to. Abandoned the comforts of the posh, upper class life that had been offered to her and forged a path on her own. Tommy Shelby was not going to be an obstacle in her way.

“If you want to help, you can check my adding up.” Arthur turned the papers towards her. “He doesn’t do it because he wants to stifle you but because he wants to protect you. Tommy doesn’t know any other way.” Lydia’s hand paused where she was correcting one of Arthur’s mathematical errors.

“He doesn’t obey the law but he has rules. Tommy is a very precise man who doesn’t do anything by accident.” Lydia turned the paper back to Arthur and grabbed a bottle of whisky from behind the bar and two glasses, one for her and one for Arthur.

“Tommy is the reason for our family’s success. I fight him once in awhile but without him, we wouldn’t all be together.” Lydia thought about the future her and Tommy had planned for themselves back in France. How they would buy a house in the countryside. Plenty of grass and rolling hills for the horses Tommy was going to train. Plenty of room for her to have a flower garden and some vegetables. They’d have little ones running between their legs. Desperate to help weed or ride horses or go exploring with the dogs. She hopes there was still a life out there for her that resembled such a dream.

“He shoulders all of it. I just want to share in that burden with him. Be a true partner.” Both of them drained their glasses in one gulp.

“If he lets you, you’ll be the luckiest person in the world.”

“And why is that?”

“Because Tommy doesn’t let anyone in. He’s tougher to crack than No Man’s Land. You’d have the keys to the kingdom.” She thought about what he said for the moment.

“Do you trust me to protect him?” she asked. So much was made about Tommy protecting her but she was just as protective of him.

“You can hold your whisky so that’s a good sign.” Lydia smiled at him, grateful for at least that. “You know I love you like a sister, Lydia, but Tommy is my blood. I will always have one eye looking out for him.” It was his polite way of saying that he would never fully trust her. That Tommy would always take precedent and he would always be watching to make sure she stayed in line.

“I can respect that,” she said as she refilled their glasses and clinked them together.

“Was my math correct?” Arthur asked as he finally returned his attention to the paper she had given back to him.

“It is now that I’ve redone it,” she giggled. Arthur just shook his head with a smile.

\----

After the ups and downs of the past few days, Lydia felt like she needed to center herself. She had been forced to make religion a big part of her life when she was younger, her belief fading a bit as she spent time on the battlefield in France. But something inside of her was telling her to light a candle and say a prayer. That remembering the lighter parts of her past and reconnecting with her spirituality would do her good in this new and confusing world she found herself living in. She found her mother’s prayer veil tucked in a drawer of her flat and made her way to the church down the street. At first Lydia had been nervous she would now know what to say. That it had been so long she had forgotten how to do it. But the thoughts wouldn’t stop coming once she let the first one out. She started by praying that her mother was okay. That she would forgive Lydia for leaving for England. She prayed for Thomas. That he would be protected as he embarked on his war against Kimber. She didn’t pray for victory, only his well being once it was all said and done. Finally, she prayed for herself. That she would be able to entangle herself from the web of Campbell. That there was a happy future for her no matter who was in it. That would day she would feel fulfilled.

“Arthur said you’ve been asking questions.” The serenity of the church was interrupted as Tommy came strolling in.

“I was just trying to help,” she replied with a defeated sigh. “You’re wasting money on product that is being destroyed before you have the chance to sell it.” Tommy scoffed.

“And what do you know about running a business?”

“Nothing. I’m just a barmaid.” She stood and turned to face him. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her in her veil. The lace was dainty as it draped across her face, the shadows and light of the candles flickering across her cheeks. She looked like the angel he already knew she was. He had dreamt about her in the veil of a bride before. This felt like the forbidden fruit being dangled in front of him.

“I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about the future of your employment at The Garrison. I’m firing you.”

“Thomas-” He held up a hand to stop her.

“This came in the mail for you today.” In the top corner was the Bellevue Hospital School of Nursing. Her name was on the front. She had a feeling what it was before she opened it, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. 

“What did you do?” she warbled as she finally slid the paper from the envelope. She read just enough to see that she had been accepted into their nursing program.

“I sent in your application. Paid your first year up front. You don’t belong here as a barmaid in a rundown pub. You belong somewhere you can save lives. Do what it is you’ve always wanted. I won’t let myself be the reason you hold yourself back.” He had been thinking about this ever since the incident at Kimber’s house. Lydia was so much more than that. Deserved so much more than him and this life. He’d force her out if he had to.

“Tommy I don’t know how I ended up finding you in France, how I ended up finding you again here, but I know I am meant to be with you. This school is all the way in New York-”

“I know. I’ve booked your passage on a ship.” She shook her head.

“I can’t go. Not knowing what I’m leaving behind.” Lydia stepped closer to him, Tommy reaching up to wipe the tears from under her eyes.

“You have to. You have to get out of here. Away from me and my business. It’s safer that way. You’ll be happier.”

“I can’t accept this. Not unless you come with me.” She thinks that would be a fair compromise. Tommy would get his wish of her pursuing nursing school, getting out of Birmingham and she would get her wish of Tommy by her side forever. “You can meet my family like we’ve been talking about. See Lady Liberty, the Empire State Building. We can travel to Boston and see all the sights of America.”

“You would want me to go with you? I can’t leave the business.”

“It’ll only be for two years. Until I graduate. You can make the trip back a few times during then. Trust Polly and John and Arthur to keep everything in line. You could use a breath of fresh air. We can be happy and safe in New York. Together.” He looked at her wide eyes that were full of love and hope.

“Heads, I go. Tails, I stay.” 

“You’re trusting this decision to a coin?”

“It’s what I’ve done my whole life. I won’t change now.” He released her waist and pulled a coin from his pocket. “Whichever it is, I love you.” Lydia frantically pulled him in for a kiss, trying not to think about how the coin his end would decided if this was their last kiss or not. She held her breath as he flicked it into the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still soliciting requests for the upcoming two year gap!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pour another glass

Lydia didn’t feel like celebrating at The Garrison. She was there all the time. Was there with Tommy all the time. The cause of his coin flip going in a positive direction was one that deserved a special celebration. She took him to her flat, Tommy surprised how homey it felt even though she rarely spent time there.

“Shall I get us a glass of something we can feel?” she asked as Tommy helped her out of her coat. 

“I’d rather get drunk off of your kisses,” he mumbled against her lips as she giggled. 

“I wanted to make a toast,” she said breathlessly as Tommy began to trail kisses down her neck, moving her sweater off her arms as he went.

“You can make your toast...naked...in bed...in a few hours.” Each of his statements were punctuated by a nip to her skin. She knew fighting against Tommy was a fruitless task. So she gave in. As she always did when he was using those lips of his. At least he had the courtesy to carry her to bed.

\----

“To you and me, to us, and our future together and the adventure of New York City,” Lydia said as Tommy finally allowed her her moment. They clinked glasses and took their sips before snuggling back down under the sheets. “I would have forced you to come regardless of that coin toss.” She traced her fingertip over the slope of his nose.

“I wish keeping you happy was my only responsibility,” he replied sincerely. He took the happiness of his entire family seriously. 

“I know. Which is why it means even more to me that you are coming to New York. I think it will be good for us to get out of Birmingham. Have some time away from all of it and just be the two of us.” She was giddy over just the thought of it. She couldn’t wait to show Tommy all her favorite places to eat and shop. Introduce him to her friends and family. Point out the dirty, nasty secretary that always had something mean to say to her. She had a whole life over there she had been ignoring. Not thinking about. A whole like Tommy knew nothing about. All of that was going to change and it was going to aid in the growth of their relationship immensely.

“I have something I need you to get to Ada.” Tommy rolled over and pulled a cigarette from his jacket pocket.

“And why can’t you bring it to her? Or have one of your peaky men do it.”

“She is hiding from me after the debacle with Stanley Chapman. I heard she goes to the bathhouse on Montague Street on women-only days. Hence my asking of you.” Lydia sighed. She knows she should have never involved herself in the affairs of their brother-sister relationship. She regrets it. Family was a complicated and tricky thing to navigate. And now she was involved with no way out.

“And what is it you’re asking me to deliver?” she inquired as she pulled Tommy’s face to focus on her instead of his cigarette.

“An invitation to a family event. Tell her it’s a truce.”

“I know you don’t like it when I ask questions,” Lydia started.

“Lydia…” he warned.

“Fine, fine. I will remain silent and deliver your item to the bathhouse.” She sighed and rolled her eyes at him regardless. “What is my compensation for doing so?” She raised her eyebrows in a knowing way, wiggled her hips slightly under the sheets. Tommy knew exactly the game she was playing at. He put out his cigarette on the ashtray she had bought just for him, moving his body so just his head was peeking out from quilt.

“Hopefully I can put on a performance worthy of your services.” He disappeared completely under before she had the chance to respond. Tommy loved her intellect and the way she pushed back at him. She wasn’t afraid to. And, he would never admit it, on more than one occasion she had made good enough points to make him question his own decision making. But for now, he was intent to shut her up with gasps and moans.

\----

Lydia held her robe and the envelope from Tommy tightly against her as she wandered through the bathhouse looking for Ada. It shouldn’t be that difficult to find a pregnant woman near-term but apparently the women only days were more popular than she thought. She preferred the privacy of bathing at her own home or stealing a kiss or two in the bath with Tommy. But she understood Ada’s need to get out of her house and disappear into a crowd, maybe have a conversation or two with the local women.

“Can I help you? You look lost.” Lydia paused. The woman was assessing her with a quizzical eye. Of course it must look odd to be wandering around a bathhouse. There was only one place to go that made any sense.

“I might be, actually. I am looking for a friend whom I was supposed to meet here. She’s pregnant. About to pop if you know what I mean.” The stranger’s frown only deepened.

“What is an American doing here?” Lydia supposes that was also a valid question.

“If you could just help me find my friend-”

“Lydia?”

“Ada? Oh thank God!” Lydia pulled the Shelby into a tight hug with such relief. Perhaps now the other patrons would stop looking at her so funny.

“What on earth are you doing here?”

“You’ll be mad if I tell you. Perhaps we should sit and have a chat.” Reluctantly, Ada followed her to one of the benches outside the changing area. “How are you? How are things going with the baby?”

“I’m fine. They’re fine. Now did my brother send you?” Ada had a feeling that since Lydia was clutching and envelope and mentioned her impending distaste that it had Tommy’s name written all over it.

“He wanted to offer a truce, invite you to a family event. I don’t know the details.” Lydia had taken to following Tommy’s wishes and not asking too many questions. It went against every fiber of her being but she wanted to be a place of solace for him at the end of the day. A place where he could feel safe and accepted and like a normal man if even just for a little bit. If that meant a bit of placating, then so be it.

“Will you come with me if I go?”

“Of course! You’re prettier than your brother anyways, I’d love to be on your arm.” That got a giggle out of Ada and Lydia felt like she had completed both Tommy’s mission and her own. “Now, that water does look so warm and inviting. Shall we share a bit of gossip in the bath?”

“Yes, like real ladies.” The twinkling sounds of their laughter echoed like music throughout the hall.

\----

The last trick Lydia expected Tommy to have up his sleeve was a wedding. Particularly one with the Lee’s and with John after he had already professed his intention of marrying Lizzie Stark. But, she supposes, she should not be surprised in the least. Tommy didn’t exist in the same plane of reality as the rest of them. He existed somewhere where the past, the present and the future all mingled together. Allowing him to understand, process and act in a way that always seemed to be foolproof.

There was something about being at a wedding that made her mind spin at a dizzying speed. She held Tommy’s hands tightly as John and Esme exchanged their vows. Resisted the urge to look at him. Because then he would be able to see what it was she was thinking. That one day it would be them up there exchanging vows. Would Tommy use their own wedding as merely a backdrop to conduct business? She wishes her eyes could see into Tommy’s mind. Wishes she had more than just intuition to go off of. Wishes she knew how to accept who he was the way she told him he did.

“Your eyes look sad,” Tommy whispered as he stole a quick glance at Lydia. He was intensely focused on the ceremony taking place before him but had felt her gaze on him. IT was unnerving. It felt like she was looking at his soul. Seeing the truth behind who he is.

“Just wondering.”

“About?”

“Nothing worth sharing during such a sacred event.” She knows her tone was biting and unwarranted. That she had built up her anger internally and was releasing it with no warning. 

“We all make sacrifices. John knows that. He’s doing what is best for our family. For our safety and prosperity.” Tommy ripped the cigarette from his mouth and stomped it out under his foot with a bit more force. “You gonna go run off like Ada?” Lydia scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“How petulant. First, I am not allowed to ask questions. Now, I am not allowed to disagree with your actions. I understand you have rules, Thomas, but I will not be caged by your paranoia.” She wanted to huff and puff and storm away from him. But then that would be stooping to his level. Would be acting just as inconsiderate of the people around her as he normally was.

“I now pronounce you man and wife!” Johnny Dogs proclaimed from in front of them, the entire crown erupting into cheers. Lydia plastered on a fake smile and clapped her hands enthusiastically. Only because John, and now Esme, was family.

“Come. We won’t get to any resolution if we are in a crowd and feel we can’t speak,” Tommy said as he offered her his arm. Even his offer alone made her feel marginally better. It was much healthier for them to work through this little spat than to let it weigh on them for the rest of the night. Perhaps Tommy was listening to her and implementing some of her advice.

“I’ll start. My anger seemed random but it was because I was lost in my own thoughts. About our potential life moments being means for you to conduct business. I don’t want that. I want those special milestones between us to be between us. To be sacred. It’s old school and perhaps naive but it is what I’ve always dreamed of. We need to be a safe haven for each other. Need to protect the little world we created, just us two,” she spoke as they reached a wagon that was far enough away from the party that they had some privacy.

“I can’t make that promise to you, Lydia. That I won’t see an opportunity and take it. That you won’t disagree with a decision. That you won’t be caught in the crosshairs of one of my mistakes. All I can promise is that I will do my best to keep you safe. Protect you. Love you. Give you the life you’ve always dreamed of and deserved,” he swallowed thickly before continuing, “you saved my life in France. Were, are, my angel. I’ll do my best to be that in return for you.” She had already given him so much more than he could ever give her. Did he have the capacity to work as hard at being a good partner as he needed to? Would he be able to do that and still maintain the prosperity of business? Did Tommy want to?

“I guess I can’t ask for anything more,” she whispered. Lydia wasn’t sure if the feeling that settled inside her was sadness that this was the life she was willingly signing up for. Sadness that Tommy was so clearly raging a war inside of him. Sadness that she didn’t know if her love would be enough to save him. 

Tommy ran his knuckles down her cheek and kissed her gently. Like she was porcelain. “I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved you.” His voice broke as the words washed over him. As he realized the consequences of letting his guard. Of knowing that he needed to for this to work. Knowing that he needed this to work.

“I know at the end of the day we’ll be okay. Always, Tommy.” She kissed him. And again. And again and again until she was pulling him into the wagon and he shut the curtains behind them. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so difficult,” she said as a tear trickled down her cheek, Tommy sliding his hands under her skirt. He shushed her gently.

“No, don’t apologize. I need someone like you to keep me on my toes. Keep me honest. Remind me what’s really important.” Tommy wiped away her tears as her fingers made quick work of his belt and trousers. She needed to feel connected to him again. They had drifted apart during their brief spat and she felt alone and stranded without him warmly by her side. Tommy leaned back against the side of the wagon as Lydia gathered her skirts around her waist and straddled him. He had one hand on her back and the other cupping the back of her head, wanting to encase her and protect her. Keep her close. 

“I love you, Thomas, no matter what I-” her words got caught in her throat as he hit a particularly sweet spot inside of her.

“I know, I know,” he panted in response. He felt the strength and veracity of her love for him entirely in this moment. It was overwhelming. After a few more moments she stilled and shook with pleasure on top of him, his own release shortly thereafter. Lydia lazily kissed him. The slow pace welcome after the frantic nature of her movements only a short while ago.

“I have demons in my head too,” she whispered, “we’ll have to be patient with each other.” Tommy nodded. He hadn’t brought up the empty whisky bottles that accumulated when she was alone with Arthur at The Garrison. Hadn’t thought it was his place. “I want to feel stable with you, Tommy.” Lydia had been on unsettled ground for so long. She wanted this love to be her solace. 

“Once we get to New York, we can wipe the slate clean. Grow with each other from the ground up. Away from all of it.” There would be no prying eyes in New York. No racetracks and moldy cigarettes and coppers threatening to ring their necks. They’d be free.

“That will be heaven, Tommy. We’ll bring it down to earth just for us.” He stroked her hair away from her face.

“Yes. A heaven just for us.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spin me round again.

When the crowd of people and their voices began to approach the wagon where they were hiding out, Lydia and Tommy figured that meant it was time to join the party again. She smiled as brightly as she would and let Ada pull her closer to the fire for a dance and some warmth.

“Tommy take you away to make you forget about the fact he uses his family as pawns?” Ada sounded cheerful as she asked the biting question. 

“Something like that,” Lydia replied without any emotion behind her voice. She couldn’t imagine the psychological toll being here was putting on Ada. That combined with the late stage of her pregnancy and the alcohol that was flowing made it so her brain and mouth weren’t properly communicating. 

“I need something to drink. I’ll be right back!” Ada kissed Lydia on the cheek before scampering off to the barrels that were on the periphery of the party. Lydia spun in a circle trying to find someone she knew. John was with his new wife, laughing and dancing and stealing kisses. She smiled. At least they would be happy together no matter how it was that they got together. Arthur was sitting with Polly and enjoying a drink and a smoke and a conversation. It was odd to her what all these people now meant to her. It wasn’t so long ago that she had forgotten about everyone in the Shelby family save for Tommy. Now they were part of her support system. A home away from home of sorts. Perhaps looking for stability only in the arms of Tommy was the wrong answer. She needed to find it all around her.

“I never got to tell you that you look stunning tonight.” Lyda turned to see the man in question. 

“I was keeping you preoccupied with other things,” she teased with a hint of a smirk. “It’s been nice to see a bit more of your gypsy heritage. The energy is a bit intoxicating, isn’t it?” It made her wonder why Tommy kept so much of this part of him hidden. Polly was very embracing of the gypsy blood that ran through her veins. It was one of the things Lydia loved most about her.

“Takes me back to when my mum was here. When she was happy.” 

“You never talk about her.” He hadn’t in France and he hadn’t since they reunited.

“How do you talk about someone that left before I really got a chance to know the true them?” Tommy wishes he had been able to shoulder some of the burden his mother so clearly had felt. Maybe she’d still be there if she hadn’t felt so alone. “Would you join me for a dance?” he asked in a bid to change the subject. He couldn’t let his mind run wild. It did that enough without his permission. 

The song was somewhere between fast and slow when he gathered her into his arms. She pressed as closely as she could to him and let her lips brush against his as they swayed softly to the music. “Have you thought at all about having a gypsy wedding?” she inquired as he spun her around so now her back was to his chest.

“I used to think about it. Before the war. I haven’t thought about much of anything in that vein since then.” Tommy dipped her and a gleeful smile spread across her face that was contagious enough to reach his as well.

“Could one, conceivably, do both a gypsy wedding and a traditional church wedding?”

“I don’t see why not,” Tommy shrugged as they fell back into a traditional dancing stance.

“Means the bride would need at least one more dress…”

“At least?” 

“At least,” she repeated with a stern tone. 

“What am I going to do with you?” Tommy joked as he puckered his lips for a kiss. She granted his request with a smile and giggle. So in love and so oblivious to anything else that was happening around them. 

“Spin! Spin!” Lydia cheered as she raised their hands and urged her partner along. Tommy caught her and dropped her into another elaborate dip before going back in for a deeper kiss. One that felt like it was leading to something more. “Thomas-”

“I need one of you to help me get Ada to calm down.” They paused their joyous dancing as Polly came over. “She’s been stuck in that basement for weeks and is going off like a firecracker.” Lydia looked and saw Ada spinning in dizzying circles on the verge of stumbling into a heap. Tommy sighed deeply and went over to his sister after pecking Lydia’s forehead in apology that their lighthearted moment had to come to an end.

“Come have a rest, Ada, let’s sit down,” Tommy spoke as he extended his hand towards his sister. She stopped dancing and turned to look at him but Lydia saw malice in her eyes.

“Come have a look, Esme. Come and look at the man who runs the family you joined. Chooses his brother’s bride for him. Hunts his own sister down like a rat. Doesn’t know how to let a good thing go unsullied,” she spit as she pointed at Lydia for the last part.

“Ada, that’s enough.” Tommy could feel his voice raising in volume and his tone growing in resentment and impatience. These were personal issues she was now screaming for all to hear. These were meant to be resolved behind closed doors, just between the few of them. 

“Now he won’t even let me have a fucking dance!” she screeched with a jabbed point of her finger.

“Please take a deep breath,” Lydia urged as she took a few steps towards the girl. “Let’s sit down and relax for a moment.” As her hand rested on Ada’s elbow to help guide her to a table, they both froze.

“Holy shit, water,” Polly said with wide eyes as they watched it trickle down her leg.

“Quit your groaning. Would one of you bring the car around?” Lydia instructed as the Shelby brothers were moaning and groaning over her timing. “Now, breathe with me, Ada.”

\----

“I got the word from Tommy that it’s safe for Freddie to come out tonight,” Polly announced as she came back from The Garrison. Lydia’s ears perked up at her words. She knows she scared Campbell off with her own threat but that didn’t mean his hadn’t resonated with her. 

“Keep going, Ada. Push when your body is telling you to.” Lydia had helped deliver a few babies since the war. A couple of officers wives back in New York had asked for her soothing voice to be with them on the night. She couldn’t decline the request of an expectant mother. “Polly, will you take over hand duty while I got heat up some water?” They exchanged Ada’s grip with ease, Lydia grabbing a bucket and heading down to the sitting room where the fire was roaring hottest. She let the bucket sit on top of the logs before sneaking into Tommy’s office where the phone sat on his desk. It was taunting her. Asking her if she was really going to do it. Call Campbell and alert him that Freddie Thorne was going to be out on the streets of Birmingham tonight. That his guard was going to be down. On one hand it seemed like the right thing to do. In the long run, it protected the members of the Shelby whom she had grown to love beyond recognition. On the other hand, it meant breaking Ada’s heart and forcing upon Freddie a fate she would never truly be aware of. A scream from upstairs broke her inner turmoil. She had one minute to make her decision.

\----

Lydia tried to put a smile on her face as it was announced that Ada had given birth to a baby boy.

“Oh, he’s beautiful,” Ada cooed as she showed her husband the little bundle. 

“Welcome to the world, son,” Freddie whispered. She was about to excuse herself from the room and go drink a cabinet’s worth of alcohol at The Garrison when a multitude of police officers burst through the door. 

“Don’t hurt him!” Ada called as one of them grabbed Freddie roughly by the shoulders. She held her arms around Ada’s shoulders to keep her from lunging after him. To keep her from hurting herself or the baby in the process of this moment. Polly would always remember the lack of emotion in Lydia’s eyes as she caught a brief glimpse of her in the fray. It was then she knew she was capable of surviving in this world.

\----

She sighed when she saw the basket of rotten food at Ada’s door. Lydia had been making trips in an attempt to feed her and her baby but clearly they were not working. She always tried to talk to her, make her see reason. But there was no use. She barely believed the words coming out of her mouth let alone having the capacity to convince someone else of their veracity. All she could do was swap out the old basket for the new one and be back on her merry way.

“Did you talk to her?” Tommy asked once Lydia appeared back from brief and fruitless errand.

“Yes but she didn’t talk back,” she grumbled as she angrily removed her gloves. Tommy sighed and leaned back in his chair. Not only was it horrible to know his sister was secluding herself and her baby from the family and blamed him for the incarceration of Freddie Thorne, but Lydia’s light had been severely dulled by the entire situation. She was moping about Watery Lane, moped about all of Small Heath, he even thought she looked mopey in her sleep. “I know you fired me from The Garrison but I might pop over there today. Speak to some of the regulars and see if they can cheer me up.” She understood that not only would she have to quit in order to attend nursing school but also that the girl of Tommy Shelby shouldn’t be working. He said one day he’d make her a kept woman but, in actuality, nothing sounded more dreadful.

“I’ll pop over with you. Some paperwork of Arthur’s that needs double checking.” He placed a fresh cigarette into his mouth before helping her back into the coat she had just thrown off.

“Have you mentioned anything to them about New York? Give Polly and Arthur a chance to start planning for your absence?” Tommy sighed and she felt a sense of dread settled within her. The thought of disappearing across the ocean with him had been the only thing keeping her going the past couple of days. 

“There are a couple of things I need to take care of personally before I fully can transition to that mindset.”

“Things I can help you with?” Tommy playfully tugged her hat over her ears.

“Perhaps,” he relented. She was always so eager. It was the constant light within her that made him smile more often these days. 

“I know this isn’t supposed to be a work trip but-”

“The dreaded word,” Tommy groaned as they began to finally make their way out the door.

“I am near positive that the books and the diary have not been updated or kept in good order since I left. Perhaps you will allow me to give them a look over?” She smiled at him toothily. Working kept her busy. Kept the thoughts away. Lydia had taken on The Garrison like a sort of child that needed to be nurtured and minded. Leaving it solely in Arthur’s hands had somewhat kept her up at night.

“I suppose you know that I can never say no to you.”

“Why I think that is the wisest thing you’ve said in awhile, Mr. Shelby.”

\----

She watched with a keen interest as he drew a black star into the diary. “What does that mean?” she asked as her own fingers traced over the symbol. Something about it felt important. Felt like a signpost along the route of their life together.

“The day we takeout Billy Kimber and his men.” Her finger stopped. 

“Who knows that you’ve picked this day?”

“My family hates me, why would I tell them?” She wanted to rip her hair out and scream. No one but Thomas Shelby would think this was a feat he could accomplish all on his own. She felt like her heart was going to explode out of her chest. Not just with worry for him but also for herself. Knowledge and information was power. He was letting her hold all the cards. Letting her have access to information the people he loved and trusted the most didn’t have.

“Because you need people standing by your side, Tommy. Your family, and your love for them, aren’t a weakness but a strength.” She stood from the desk and held his face in her hands. “I know you’ve reconciled yourself with what comes after if you don’t succeed. But I need you. I need you. I need you.” Normally, Tommy hated feeling needed. He wished the world would give him a break from people relying on him. But hearing the words fall from her mouth strengthened something inside of him. Made his heart pump more sure. His eyes open wider. His brain work faster. 

“I love you.” He wanted to say he needed her back but that felt like a show of weakness. A secret that would dig both of them a grave. Tommy hoped he made it past black star day. He had a ship to catch.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think :)


End file.
